Aromantic Styled Polyamory
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1124 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 5 minutes
Back in September last year, AUREA took some time to explore the concept of Relationship Anarchy, and how the RA lifestyle of rejecting social and relationship hierarchies can look very familiar to many aromantics. Today we’re back in a similar vein to discuss relationship anarchy’s more well known cousin, polyamory.
Relationship anarchy and polyamory both fall under the same umbrella, known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM). There are many forms of ENM. At least a few you may have heard of, such as open relationships, swinging, and polygamy (which is not the same as polyamory). As a topic, ENM is as varied as it’s many forms, but it’s a singular one we’re talking about today.
What’s love got to do with it?
Most people have at least heard of polyamory, although not everyone who has has heard the correct meaning. Often mistaken for polygamy (the act of having multiple marriages, usually a man with multiple wives, and usually in a religious context), polyamory means, at it’s core, multiple relationships. Almost literally, in fact. The name comes from the Greek (πολύ) poly, meaning "many, several", and the Latin amor, meaning "love".
It seems strange that a community trying to build itself separate from the idea of traditional romantic love might find some solidarity with a relationship model literally named for it. However, the definition of polyamory doesn’t actually mention romance. Instead, it is defined as ‘the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved’. This means things like QPRs absolutely fall under the polyamory umbrella, as a type of intimate relationship.
And polyamory is indeed an umbrella term, given the multiple ways to practice polyamory. There’s as many styles of polyamory as there are people practicing it, but there are certain kinds of polyamory that, on a community scale, might appeal more to aromantic people. To help you learn more, we’re going to dive a little deeper into the values and ideas behind two such kinds, non-hierarchical polyamory and solo polyamory.
Have you got a hierarchy?
To understand non-hierarchical polyamory, you must understand hierarchical polyamory, and how different it is from our previous topic of discussion, relationship anarchy. Hierarchical polyamory is the idea that some of your intimate relationships have more weight than others, or are ‘ranked’. You’ll often hear terms like ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’ partner. Primary partners are usually, but not always, living together, which is referred to as ‘nesting’, or ‘nested partners’.
They may be married, or have children together, and are often given more of a say in their partners' life decisions, and sometimes even their other relationships. It’s the other end of the spectrum from relationship anarchy, where all relationships are given the same weight, consideration, and oftentimes label, no matter what kind of attraction or intimacy level fuels them.
Non-hierarchical polyamory is the middle ground of this spectrum. Each partner is considered equal with the others, but unlike relationship anarchists, practitioners tend not to eschew labels. It’s not a complete rejection of societal relationship standards, but there is less of an effort to uphold them.
For aromantics, this can be appealing, especially for those that do desire close intimate relationships, but don’t quite want to follow the RA route. It can be even more appealing when paired with the idea of solo polyamory.
Flying solo
Solo polyamory is a polyamorous lifestyle, and, as the name implies, means you are happy being solo. Solo polyamorists usually don’t want to live with anyone else, don’t want any of the traditional milestones of a relationship such as a house, marriage or kids. They like having their own space and time to themselves.
Solo polyamorists tend to reject the idea of a ‘coupled identity’, which is why it is rare to see a solo polyamorous person in a hierarchical relationship, their personal preferences often at odds with the idea of ranked relationships, or they just want to protect themselves from some of the issues that can come with being a secondary partner. For solo polyamorists, the most important thing to them tends to be their personal autonomy, and some even refer to themselves as their own primary.
It is also not uncommon for solo polyamorists to centre their lives not only around themselves, but their friends and family, in ways that will probably be very familiar to aromantics. While they may have intimate relationships with several people, they invest most in connections that tend to be more reliable. Siblings, niblings, chosen family and best friends, solo polyamorists can feel that their time is better spent building these connections.
In practise
While this narrative may sound appealing to aromantics, everyone is different. There are plenty of polyamorous aros who practice polyamory using any number of polyamory lifestyles, and often in various combinations. AUREA has at least one polyamorous member, who, while non hierarchical, is most comfortable with the concept of ‘kitchen table’ polyamory, or the idea that all people involved in the polycule (a connected network of people in non-monogamous relationships) are comfortable or close enough with each other that they would be happy sitting around the kitchen table for a coffee. They are perfectly content with their two nested partners, one aro-spec and the other alloromantic, and their partner’s partner (referred to as a metamour).
This article is by no means meant to be an extensive look at all polyamory, or implying that aros can only be certain kinds of polyamorous. Instead it is just a brief look at only two common styles of polyamory, that have some overlapping values with those seen commonly in the aromantic community.
It should also be mentioned that, while polyamory can feel welcoming to aromantics, it can also be the opposite. In hierarchical polyamory especially, practitioners may go to extreme lengths to uphold amatonormative ideals and the ‘sanctity of romance’. This is because, like any large community, polyamory is made up of many, many different people, and these many different people have many different opinions, as well as preferred polyamory practices.
In response to some of these issues, aro specific polyamory terms and concepts have arisen, such as ‘polyaffectionate’, created to mirror the ideals of polyamorous relationships, without mirroring the amor, and ‘polyplatonic’, for those who desire multiple QPRs.
On the whole, polyamory, while not always quite as welcoming as relationship anarchy, can be a safe space for aromantics to explore their desires for intimate relationships of any kind. Different partners can fulfill different needs, and it can relieve an aromantic of some of the pressures of traditional relationships. It can be a relief, not having to provide for all your partners needs, and for some aromantics, it opens up brand new possibilities for intimacy. With it’s multitudes of styles and practices, polyamory has unlimited possibilities that may just help you find what you’re looking for.