Advice on Coming Out as Aromantic

Written by the AUREA Team

Word count: 1766
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Announcing who you are is a daunting mission. It is a show of trust and an act of bravery. If this is something you want to do, then it’s best to be prepared. 

Is today the day?

Knowing when to come out is imperative. You might never know if this is the right time or the best time, but confidence is key. Knowing you are confident in your identity will go a long way. 

So often in life, one negative response, one shutdown, can rewind progress. Do you feel comfortable facing disapproval? Do you feel comfortable correcting people? If they are generally positive but have some less-than-kind questions (maybe the classic “so you don’t love anyone?” or “are you sure you just haven’t met the right person?”), are you in a position to set them straight? 

When it comes to aromanticism you will rarely, if ever, come across people outside the LGBTQIA+ community who know what you’re talking about. Be prepared to explain what being aromantic means to you and have some resources handy for further reading.

On second thoughts

Before we continue it’s important to know that coming out, revealing your identity, isn’t a necessity. If you don’t want to tell people you’re aromantic, then don’t. Telling people when you deviate from the norm has become a bit of an expectation. Understandably so. It is expected from birth that we will be the norm; it’s no wonder coming out has become such a spectacle. But this isn’t something you must be a part of. You are no less aromantic or queer or LGBTQIA+ if you aren’t out. 

Here’s an anecdote from popular YouTuber, Kat Blaque, on the concept of not making a statement of your orientation  - and why that’s okay. 

Also remember that although you may feel confident about your identity, you may not feel like you are in a safe place to come out yet. That’s okay. Ask yourself what the worst case scenario would be if you came out and consider whether that is something you can handle. Sometimes, it takes time and distance before you feel you’re ready, and other times, you simply know that certain people will never try to understand you. Consider what you can handle.

Baby steps and more baby steps

Coming out is never a one and done process. Even with social media there is no instance where a person says, “hey, I’m not straight and/or cis” and that is suddenly public knowledge. Being something other than the expectation and talking about it is a lifelong journey. Maybe some days you’ll tell people you’re aro, maybe sometimes you’ll respond with “nah I’m not into that” or “eh it’s a bit more complicated than that” and maybe, on occasion, you’ll say nothing at all. Maybe you have to start very small and gradually come out over a period of weeks, months, or years so that no one is overwhelmed with questions and confusion. This is simply how life is. This is the position society puts us in. The burden to correct and announce and educate is placed on us. So how do we do that?

Knowing what you’re up against

Consider who you want to come out to. Take note of their level of acceptance of queer people, single people, and other relevant groups. Observe how they talk about people who are similar to you. Take into account how they deal with their emotions: if they can stay calm or if they get heated easily. Practice what you want to say. Write what you need to say down if that will help. 

Your coming out should be about you, but it doesn’t hurt to tailor what you say to have the best effect on others. 

To feel them out, you can talk about the concept in abstract before applying it to yourself. “Why are bad guys always incapable of feeling romantic love, what’s so bad about that?” “Why do people feel sorry for single people but go on and on about independence?” “Do you think people can be happy without romance?” “Why are people so quick to judge others’ romantic relationships as unhealthy when they don’t look like their ideal?” Listen to what they have to say and ask follow up questions. Find out what they think as of right now, before knowing about you. 

The art of communication

There are two ways to go about coming out. You can choose to label yourself or you can describe your identity without the label. The difference here is whether you say the word ‘aromantic’ (or any other word that denotes an identity on the aromantic spectrum) or not. There are plenty of reasons not to use the word, the big one being: it’s not a well known term. 

Think about the person or people you want to come out to. Are you going to say: “I am aromantic”? Or will you state how it is to be aromantic for you? 

It’s 100% okay to say “Romance doesn’t make sense to me”, “I’m happy alone”, or “I don’t get feelings for others like you do”. These kinds of statements are far, far easier to say than “I’m aromantic”. They can also work as a foundation if you wish to use the word aromantic later. 

While it can be easy to say that not using identity terms isn’t truly coming out, that doesn’t lessen the truth to these statements or how difficult they can be to say. Telling people you aren’t interested in or experience romance in a way they don’t understand can be a confusing and, sometimes, upsetting experience for people. 

A teachable moment

Aromanticism is often an unknown orientation to most people and this means that we are the introduction to the concept for many people. 

Rather than saying, “I’m aromantic and this is what that means”, you have the opportunity to slowly educate and warm people up to the idea. A simple way to go about this is to say factual statements that have no connection to you. “Turns out the A in LGBTQIA+ isn’t there for allies, it's there for aromantics and asexuals (and agender people of course)”. “I heard about this book coming out about a person who doesn’t feel romantic love and how she can love in other ways”. “I saw a study recently including aromantic people and the results showed me how diverse Queer experiences are.”

The first step to education is simply telling a person that something exists. Give it to them in a positive, factual light with no stakes. See how they react, consider telling them you find nothing wrong with the idea of aromanticism. If you’re trusting someone with your identity then they likely value your opinion. Take advantage of that. 

If you do choose to come out as aromantic, feel free to direct your friends and family to our FAQ. Sit with them as they read through it. Talk about your experiences specifically and how you view your identity. You’re talking to someone who knows you, the aromantic you, whether they knew it or not. Ask them if or when they’ve seen you interested in something romantic, if or when they can remember times when it made sense you’re aromantic because of what you said or did - let them face the reality. 

Time and place

If and/or when you decide to come out, with whatever big scary statement you decide on, make sure everyone is in a comfortable place.

You want to be heard and you want this to go uninterrupted. A loud location will be distracting and can be overstimulating. Have this conversation somewhere familiar or somewhere you can leave easily. Make sure everyone is in a good mood.

If you’re worried about coming out to someone, have a back-up person who already knows about your identity. Tell them you’re going to do this. Arrange for them to be there for you. 

Build support structures for this nerve-wracking situation as much as you can.

The dreaded response

Coming out is a catalyst for change and that’s scary. Who knows how people will react, what you’ll lose, what you’ll gain. Hopefully they’ll accept this, accept you, with only a few probing questions. 

Have some patience. This is new to them. You’ve had time to view yourself in this light and they haven’t. Don’t let them walk all over you, but recognize that this changes things. Again, if you don’t want to answer any questions, send them to us! We’re here to help. 

If they’re receptive, ask them some questions of your own. Why do they need romance so much? What does it mean to them? Why is the idea of someone not experiencing the feeling in the way they do so threatening? It’s likely you’ll hear well-meaning people say that they just don’t want you to be lonely. You can assert your feelings then, say that only you can judge what’s best for you and what is not and you’d like for the other person to respect it.

And if things go wrong? You probably have a general idea about how well coming out as aromantic may go. If you decide to come out, take into account what kind of support you get from your relationship with the person. If you think it may go really badly and your livelihood depends on them, it’s okay to wait. If you want to come out and think it may not be a great experience, but not one endangering your life situation, it’s okay to come out. Take care of yourself.

If this ends so badly that your livelihood is threatened, depending on how old you are, you can seek help from your relatives, your friends, or organizations that help people in similar situations. If you’re young, you can get social services involved. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you don’t have many options about who to turn to, public libraries can at least provide you with research opportunities.

The ugly truth

Sometimes people who are important to us don’t react the way we want them to. If you end up being hurt, you can tell them. Tell them how you’re feeling about their refusal to accept you. You can say that you hope it changes eventually. We really hope it changes eventually too. Meanwhile, reach out to the people who support you and remember that being aro isn’t something to apologize for. 

[PDF download] For further information here’s a general and comprehensive guide for coming out by the Trevor Project, with organizations to turn to in the U.S. too.