Managing Amatonormativity
Written by the AUREA team Word count: 1059 words
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
So amatonormativity runs your life. The restrictive idea that a central, exclusive, romantic relationship is normal and universal has its claws dug deep into society. It has social expectations, financial and institutional control, political sway, and far too much more. The scope of this problem is overwhelming and wrestling with that burden can be damaging. That’s no way to live, so here are 13 ways to manage the impact of amatonormativity.
1 - PRIORITIZE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
Like anything with far reaching effects, there’s only so much you can take. Treat yourself with compassion and allow for grief. It’s alright to feel down because of amatonormativity. It absolutely sucks. Find a balance that feels right for you. Give these issues attention and give attention to the positives of being aromantic also. Being aro is amazing and brings beautiful things into your life. Find the good and do it without forced gratitude or positivity if you aren’t feeling it.
2 - CULTIVATE HOPE
Search for inspiration and sources of hope. An anti-amatonormative lifestyle is possible and keep that thought close to you. Inspiration can be a book or a movie, a song or poem, even other people who have done queer relationshipping like the kind you may be looking for. Find something that celebrates other kinds of relationships or uplifts lifestyles that don't revolve around relationships entirely, romance or not. Here’s some aros talking about their futures and there’s hope in every single story.
3 - SET BOUNDARIES
Setting healthy parameters is a difficult skill that many people have never been taught. If you need some examples, there are both guides and worksheets that can be found online. Set those boundaries where you need them; whether that’s with people you know in person or on social media where you are exposed to ideals and “perfect” lives at every opportunity.
4 - MAKE SPACE FOR HEALING
Take the time you need to mend. Ensure that it happens for you in whatever way you need. Get creative by sharing your story, venting, envisioning the future in your writing, or making art and music. Or get physical and dance, play that sport you love, exercise or enjoy some physical contact. Or take a walk in nature to get some fresh air or spend some time meditating to recalibrate yourself.
5 - FIND A FRIEND
Don’t do this alone. Amatonormativity affects us all, aro-spec or otherwise. Talk to someone. Find a person you can vent to. Someone you can distract yourself with. A person you can relax with. Find ways to get a sense of belonging and seek out community support. Build community support if you want to. You aren’t alone in this, no matter how much it can feel like you are.
6 - TAKE ADVICE
Here’s a little promotion: Carnival of Aros is the inspiration for this piece. For the August topic, graces-of-luck got us thinking about Well-being and Amatonormativity. And back in April, Constance asked us about Self-care, Self-love, and Aromanticism. Have a look and see what other aros are doing for themselves. See what discoveries they have to share. Maybe some will resonate with you and be words you carry forward in your everyday.
7 - ENGAGE IN COMMUNITY CARE
Community care is another part of self-care that can be just as important as doing things for ourselves. Especially as a marginalized community, helping out fellow aros can help us feel interconnected and lift each other up. Check in with others, offer a space to vent, help someone cook or clean. Amatonormativity says care for each other within couples but community care says care for your friends, your neighbors, your fellow aros. Take it a step further and create your own pod (self-care community)!
8 - TAKE ACTION
When it’s possible, do that daring thing. Make the move that puts plans into action. Empower yourself and your community. This could be political advocacy, it could be educating your co-workers, it could be emailing journals and magazines to give corrections and put in your two cents, it could be building community care or activism in your local area. You have the ability to change things and when everything falls into place, spark hope.
9 - PICK YOUR BATTLES
You know yourself. You know what you can handle. Being a marginalized person presents its difficulties already. It is not your job to educate others, fight back, or take initiative when you are the one in need of care. Put yourself first and learn what it takes to look after yourself.
10 - SELF REFLECT
Identify what makes you feel worse about amatonormative expectations and manage that experience. If it’s a genre of TV, take a break and try another. If it’s a parent, you know them well. Will talking to them help? How about setting aside some time after seeing them to recover? Recognize what makes your life harder and find out what can be done to lessen than impact. If you struggle with this, it may be helpful to ask a perceptive person in your life. They might know what triggers you feeling bad just by having observed you. Using a mood tracker can also help you be more self-aware and remind you to practice self-reflection.
11- ADDRESS WHAT YOU’VE INTERNALIZED
When you’re self reflecting, be fair to yourself. Society sets certain expectations for us, and when we don’t meet them, we might feel badly about ourselves. Questioning social systems and norms is a great way to start and eventually move onto addressing how they’ve impacted you. As you address these things, focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion without judgement- basically, treat yourself as you would a friend who is having a hard time. Hopefully with time you can realize that it isn’t you who is inadequate or broken. Accepting yourself and treating yourself with kindness can be empowering when society says that you’re the problem.
12 - DARE TO DREAM
Figure out what it is you want and bring that vision to life. Don’t let reality hold you back during this. There are no boundaries for exploration in your mind. What is your perfect world? The ideal life? What would you make of reality if it were yours to shape? Keep those thoughts somewhere safe. Maybe there’s inspiration to be found there.
13 - CELEBRATE THE GOOD
Recognize and celebrate the good things. Amatonormativity doesn’t touch everything in your life - as hard as it tries to - and that makes those things all the more special.