My Aromantic Fears (Part 4)
The following is a collection of reader submitted narratives. They detail personal stories, thoughts, and feelings about identifying on the aromantic spectrum. Apart from general grammar edits, these submissions have been published as submitted, and as such be aware of discussions of romance, and mental health. This is the final instalment of four.
Word count: 4529 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 23 minutes
I am scared of the unknown and considering that I am aromantic my entire future is unknown, simply a big question mark. I was always told how I should want my future to look but to me it is simply one big question mark. I am told how I should want my life to be but that simply is not desirable to me. I am scared that life will be more difficult and that my family will not understand the way I am . I am scared of death and losing those close to me. I am scared of climate change and that politicians will destroy the planet. I see no future. Always been told that the way I wish to live is a nightmare and that I should be pitied for it. I am deeply scared.
- Charlotte
Not being able to survive financially without a husband. Well and Aldo being alone and unwanted, nevera understood and progresively more isolated til I die, but thats easier to cope with ig
- Anon
I’m scared of never figuring myself out. Amatonormativity has convinced me that I Will find someone and fall in love and I’m trying to get rid of that belief but I’m constantly doubting myself because I don’t know any aro people in real life. I’m scared of there always being a hole in me because I’m never sure if I’m allowed to say I’m aro, if my experiences are ‘valid’ enough for me to say that. I’m scared of never feeling ‘whole’.
- Anon
I am scared of not meeting someone I can spend time with and live with as a partner. I am scared of someone expecting romantic gestures that I cannot deliver. I hate explaining to people that I’ve never been in a relationship, because they look at me with pity and there must be something wrong with me. I am scared I might not have a wedding, something I hope to have one day.
- Ess
My fears when it comes to being aromantic are mainly related to how I am viewed by others. I've never been in anything that could be viewed as a "romantic relationship" and I've never been romantically interested in anyone. I've also never really thought about that fact much and it certainly has never been something negative to me. The times that it affects me negatively are the times that people invalidate my experiences. Whenever the question "So, do you have a boyfriend?" comes up, I always answer truthfully that I've never had one. I always dread that part of the conversation. Not because I have an issue with who I am. But because the reaction of most people I know is pity. Many people suddenly start treating me as if I’m just some inexperienced, innocent, lonely little girl who doesn’t know what she is talking about. When the conversation continues and I tell them that I’ve also never been remotely romantically interested in anyone, they tell me that I’m lying.
My younger brothers always showed much more interest in everything related to romance than I ever did. This year, my 16-year-old brother had his first girlfriend and suddenly he behaved like he was the most experienced person of us three, far superior to me. Because I’ve never had a boyfriend. Even my youngest brother, who is only 13, keeps telling me that the issue must be that there have just never been any boys interested in me. When I tell him that, even if there were boys interested in me currently, I would not be in a relationship with any of them because I simply do not want to, he never believes me. I fear that I will always be seen as somehow inferior by others and that I will always have to deal with the dread, annoyance, sadness and anger that come with having my experiences invalidated repeatedly.
Another great fear of mine is loneliness. I don’t fear never having a romantic relationship because that’s never been something remotely interesting to me. What I do fear is that everybody around me sees a romantic partnership as the ultimate goal, somehow more important than friendship and other types of relationships. I dread the moment when all of my friends are going to be in romantic relationships, leaving me behind. People I know have told me that I should be interested in having a romantic relationship because otherwise, I would die alone. I fear that that is going to be the case because society values romantic partnerships so much higher than most other relationships.
- Carol
When I think of my future I can’t see one without a partner and children, both I don’t want. Seeing a future for myself where I’m just a writer and live with my bunny’s feels impossible. I don’t think it helps that I am afab, it feels like I need to have children or else my life is not whole.
- Prince Benny
I'm afraid that when I'm older I'll end up alone. I'm very happy with the idea of being single for the rest of my life, and I don't desire even a platonic partnership, but I worry that my friends will all settle down with romantic partners and no longer have time for me. I'm also worried about how I'll afford to live alone, especially if I want to adopt a child.
- Rae
As far as aro fears go, it's always about relationships with others. On the intimate side, I'm afraid of what someone might expect from me that I just can't give. I may care about you a lot, but that doesn't mean I'll necessarily feel romantic towards you. The thought that how I am in that sense can hurt people (as it has before...) is depressing. Even being upfront, I never know if someone will still assume I'll change for them.
On the more public side, as I don't need anyone I'm not intimate with to know more than that I'm aroace and likely not interested, my main fears are that I'll be rejected by my peers (in this case, other aros). I have never had the chance to interact with "the aro community" (as if there is only one...), because everything I'd seen from the outside led me to believe I would not be welcome, as someone who is very grey, as an ace, as someone who doesn't "prioritise" their aroness (whatever that means, as if we can't compartmentalise ourselves differently in different community spaces). I still don't know what to do about that, other than keep my aro discussions in certain (aro)ace spaces which thankfully don't categorically dislike anyone for how they are. At least, those impressions and the fears stemming from them affect my participation and interaction with other aros.
- Anon
I'm scared all of my friends will leave me for romantic relationships. I fear I will never be the "special someone" for anyone.
- Nix
I’ve, uh, always been romance obsessed as a kid, you know? I’d read stacks of books about falling in love, pages and pages of fanfics about soulmates. And the only thing I was sure I wanted for the future was someone to share my life with. Because that’s what you’re supposed to want, right? A significant other that compliments you best, that makes you feel whole. And I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never really have that. I’ve only really started IDing as aro half a year ago, but I definitely already feel better about not really wanting to be in a romantic relationship, and being close and affectionate with my friends. I don’t know if I want a QPR, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be married. I... do want to have a platonic life partner, maybe? But I don’t think I’ll ever get that.
And it’s not too big of a deal yet since I’m young but I don’t want to lose all my friends to their own romantic relationships. I’m scared of always coming second place in people’s eyes. And I know my dad’s said he wants grandkids but I certainly don’t, and I can’t help but feel like I’ll be a disappointment for never getting married or anything. Hell, I’m not out to any of my family. IRL I’m only out to my best friend, bc we were dating at the time I figured myself out and I felt she deserved to know. And I thought she’d take it well bc she’s ace. I’ve no clue about the rest of my family. I’ve asked my brother he doesn’t get really anything about queer identities, I know he’ll be less than enthusiastic, and my mom’s as cishet as it comes I don’t want to hear “you’ll change your mind” out of her mouth. And I don’t want to find out my dad’s arophobic. That would hurt all the much more, I don’t want to go through that. So I’m just sitting in the closet for now. Gods I hate it.
- Severin
Probably my biggest fear is being out on my own without a support system. I am not sure how much I can rely on my family in the future, and even as a young adult I feel I am drifting apart from my friends. I do not have any strong desire to be in a relationship with another person (QPR, romantic, or otherwise), and so that puts me in a position of being alone in the future. I feel pressure from myself to find a relationship of some kind so I can guarantee that someone will be there for me in the future. If I get injured or sick, who would be there to drive me to the doctor? Who would be there to care for me after surgery or if I fall into a depressive episode? It probably comes off as incredibly selfish to only want a relationship to have someone there if something bad happens to me, but I constantly think about this.
- Anon
Being aro makes me afraid of a few things. The first is the economic difficulty of living without a partner. Right now I live with my parents, but when I move out I know it will be more difficult for me to afford rent than others. People living with a partner generally have two incomes to put towards expenses, while I shall only have one. Even if I got a roommate it would be more expensive than living with a partner since most partners share a bed while roommates would usually want separate spaces.
My second fear is exclusion. I worry that my friends will no longer want to gossip with me or include me in games such as truth or dare, as those things almost always revolve around crushes and relationships. I came out to my friends right before quarantine, so I haven't yet had the opportunity to know if I’ll be treated differently at parties and sleepovers and similar gatherings. I know they’re good people, but surely they’ll still treat me differently knowing that I’m aro.
My third fear is missing out on life. I feel like I’ll be missing out on so many fun things, just because I don’t want to date anyone. What if all my friends get dates to dances? Where does that leave me? Or just things like getting all excited for an upcoming date, like the most I'll ever be getting excited for is a job interview or something. And I like dressing up fancy and stuff but if I’m not going on dates I’ll have so many fewer opportunities to do that kind of stuff. or the little things that are romance adjacent, like excitedly telling your friends about whatever cool thing you did with your partner, or bringing your partner to your parents’ house for christmas. My birthday is close to valentine’s day, and last year I ended up having my birthday party on valentine's day. My friend had just gotten her first boyfriend and at my party she was calling her grandma to tell her, and the rest of my friends were all crowded around listening while I cried in the corner because I’ll never get a moment like that. I’m afraid that I’ll miss out on so much happiness because of my aroness, not because I can’t be happy without a partner, but because so much fun stuff is romance adjacent.
- Theo
I am afraid of being all alone. That all my friends are only busy with their partner and family and nobody has time for me anymore. Or that I won't be invited anymore because only couples are there and then they either don't think about me or they assume that I wouldn't want to come anyway.
- Anon
I fear that not getting married will isolate me from my peers. That when someone has relationship issues they'll feel I'm unsympathetic when I can see the toxicity, that they won't listen to me because I'm just cynical. That I'll be coined as the person whose just too focused to be in a relationship and not really aro. That I'll be told I'm too young to be aro, or that if I realize I'm grey romantic or demi or anything else on the spectrum, that the fact that I came out and then actually do have a partner will cause people to invalidate me and others on the spectrum.
I'm afraid that people will think I'm just cynical and when I voice my opinion on my own personal feelings they'll feel it as an attack on their attraction when it's how I feel about me in a relationship. I fear that because I'm nonbinary people will think it's a preference or a choice or somehow affected by my dysphoria or identity. That I'll be accepted for my nonbinary identity but then my aro and ace identity be pushed aside or cast as less important. That my family will say they accept but then talk behind my back. That they won't believe me because I have other mental illnesses. That they'll think it's me not opening up after being bullied and it's not how I was born. They'll use something from the past to invalidate me.
Tbh I'm scared and have fears about a lot of things but I'm most scared that I'll be attacked for my feelings and that being out in the South of the US even as aroace would be unsafe. Fear that because I've hid my whole identity for so long people won't come to terms with it when I come out.
- an undercover poet
Amatonormativity and people calling me heartless because I'm aro/allo
- Abby
Remember when you were a little kid afraid of everything? Remember this time when everything was threatening? I think this never end, this is in what I live. I’m not only afraid of things like before but now, I’m also afraid of people. I’m afraid of all the people I gave my trust. I’m afraid of all the people that I trusted before. All these people that said they love me when they don't. I’m afraid of being left away. Afraid to look at the old time and see how much I didn't improve myself or how much I stayed the same old me. I’m afraid of everything and nothing at the same time.
As an aromantic person, I'm mostly afraid that people won’t understand. And all my fears are exactly the same as little. I used to be in my corner, protecting myself from the others. When everyone wanted to find someone, I was afraid to be left away. And I wrote stories, stories to escape my fears. The truth is I don't. My fears were in my stories. I loved mysteries and horror books because that’s where there is a minority of romance. I realized years later, I was afraid of knowing something I don't understand. I’m afraid of the people who don't understand me but I am the people and I’m afraid because I don't understand myself. And my biggest fear is that I don’t want to. I don't want to understand because I’m afraid of what I will discover.
Finally I’m like the old me, the one who were hiding in their bed because they didn't want to be in this complicated world, the one who wanted to be a ghost because people won't see how complicated I was, the one who didn't talk because I was afraid of saying I was too young to know about. The truth is I'm afraid of everything but I’m my biggest fear.
- Océane
I'm afraid of my friends all finding someone and dedicating more time to their romantic relationships or their jobs than platonic relationships. I'm scared that I'll be on my own a lot and although I like my own company, I am a social creature. I'm scared that being on my own will make my depression worse.
- Kat
I'm afraid of being alone, no friends and family to stay with me. I'm afraid I have to HAVE a partner in my life to be taken seriously to the people around me (like co-workers or friends). Sometimes I feel like the only reason I want to be in a qpr is because I don't want to be alone. I wish I don't have to think about this, that always I’m gonna have people that care about me with me. I'm afraid to lose friends because they want something from me I can't do or feel the same way as them. I'm afraid of not being enough as a friend or as a partner, that my platonic love to them won't be enough and, in the long run, I will have to change (even though I know it's not the right thing to do and I don't want to have to). Right now I'm happy to be who I am. I don't want that to change in the future because I "fit in" in an amatonormative world.
- Ash
I'm afraid of not making friends, not staying in touch with them, never having a QPR because I want a relationship that's more than friendship. Friends don't live together, travel together, be life-partners, or have the level of emotional intimacy I crave.
- Anon
I'm afraid I'll never be able to afford to live on my own, or that I'll have to, or that I'll be living with strangers for flatmates until I die. I'm afraid that all my friends will partner off and I'll be alone and they won't care about me. I'm afraid my family will be disappointed that I won't have kids and that my grandma will never get to go to a wedding. I'm afraid of being alone and I'm afraid of what will happen if I never find a life partner/qpp. I'm worried I'll never be financially secure and I'll have to work until I die. I'm worried about what could happen if I ever lose my job and I don't have anyone to support me. I'm terrified I'll get old and I'll have no one to take care of me, that I'll have no one left and I'll be in a home and I'll spend my final years utterly alone.
I'm sad I'll never fall in love like other people get to, that I'm missing out. That I'll never have children, I'll never be able to take them to school and look after them and watch them grow up. I hate the thought that I'll spend the rest of my life with people erasing my identity, or that I’ll die before I can come out fully. Or that I'll never be able to because people don't think aromanticism is real. I feel like I'll be touch starved forever bc I'm afraid of initiating any form of contact. I am terrified of intimacy and I don't want to think about the possibility that I'll never have it.
I'm worried that if I'm left to my own devices I won't eat or sleep and I'll never have anyone to care enough to make me. Which I know isn't what partners are for, but my friends who are in relationships always have their significant other to help them through their bad days. I don't. It upsets me that my friends don't confide in me like they do their SOs, that I can't take care of them like that. I wish I could, even though I'd be awful at it. Everyone I know thinks I hate hugs. Maybe I do. I don't like that idea. to be honest, I just like the idea of someone being there for me, but I don't think it's possible, and it sounds ridiculous, but I think if you get told something enough times you just believe it.
- Maybe
I don’t feel like I’m missing out on something. I’ve never desired it. I just worry that I’ll be seen as inhuman or evil because of being aromantic. Being alloaro for me is the scariest part. I don’t want to be seen as a predator for consensual relationships that I’ll have in the future just because they aren’t romantic. I also fear having all my friends “pair up” and see me being in their lives as less valuable than their romantic relationships.
- Anon
When I’m asked ‘what are you afraid of’ my answer is usually ‘everything’, but in this case there’s a very specific kind of fear that comes to mind and it has taken me a bit to find the right words for it. It’s not exactly the fear of being alone, of loneliness, of not finding your people, of being left behind while everyone around you chooses someone else over you after a while, of not having your emotional needs met, or the sense of guilt that comes with feeling too strongly for someone knowing it’s not your place... well, it’s still very much those things, but not just that, because those fears are universal; it’s rather about feeling out of sync.
The closer I get to my 30s the bigger the gap, the gash really, between me and the allos in my life gets. As if when you’re younger the paths you’re on – while different – can still be next to each other, afterwards they start to diverge significantly to the point where there’s more distance between you two than you ever walked along together. At some point it’s clear there’s very little you can relate with and everything feels skewed, forced, alienating. That feeling, forever feeling like an alien in the lives of people you care about to the point where it hurts less to not care anymore, that is my fear.
- Laura, Italy
My biggest fear is that someone will come to me and tell me that they have romantic feelings for me and I'm going to have to reject them because I can't feel the same way about them. It takes a lot of confidence to confess to someone and I don't want to hurt someone by rejecting them. What if I can't do it and end up leading them on because I don't want to hurt their feelings? What if they're a close friend and I lose them as a result?
- Ticky
Not being able to afford my daily expenses (including medication for my chronic illness); getting into nightmare scenarios while living alone like accidents, fires, robbery; as an afab person, being disrespected or worse because I'm not "attached" to someone especially if I'm travelling alone; if I do end up having a child, that I might not be able to care for them well enough on my own; having my physical or mental health fail me while living alone; having no one to call on during any of these scenarios because I don't currently have a lot of people I can rely on.
- Anon
Losing contact with friends, inability to support myself financially, active discrimination against aromantics (most especially aroallos like myself).
- Anon
My fear is that the loved ones of older generations in my life (gen x, boomer, even some millennials (also society in general) will always be disappointed in me when I come out to them. I fear the idea that it’s “sad” to be aro will never go away. I fear that once more people know what aromanticism is, a new wave of intense arophobia will ignite before it can be seen in a more positive light. I fear that I’ll never see an aro person accurately represented on screen. I fear that aro activism will become white washed/ affected by the patriarchy. I fear that people will always see me as a child or someone stuck in a phase. And I fear that aros that aren’t ace won’t receive the same level of support/activism as aro/aces in the future. Lastly, I fear that I will have trouble finding friends as an adult who will value our friendship as much as I do, and not see romance as better.
- Anon