My Aromantic Fears (Part 1)
The following is a collection of reader submitted narratives. They detail personal stories, thoughts, and feelings about identifying on the aromantic spectrum. Apart from general grammar edits, these submissions have been published as submitted, and as such be aware of discussions of romance, loneliness, and mental health. This is the first instalment of four.
Word count: 3977 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 20 minutes
I fear being alone. / I fear that knowing myself and loving myself means others can't or won't. / I don't have any family by blood, because they don't love me and they don't know me, and when I tried to tell them, it became clear that I could either have people in my life who did not know me and did not love me, or I could know myself and love myself, but be alone. / There's a happy ending in that narrative though, the way society writes it. You fall in love. You find a new family. You don't end up alone. / I still fear being alone. / I have friends who I love. Who I bind to my heart like a family. I still fear them leaving. I still fear them deciding I'm not as important once they find True Love and no longer need this green love that is no less but still is treated like it is. / I once told my therapist about this. I was told maybe I could change. Like the problem of my fear was in me and my love, and not in the world that devalued me and my love. / I fear being alone. / I fear being unknown and unloved.
- Anon
My friends abandoning me for romantic love, which they seem to think is more important than platonic love. My friends quietly judging me with shared looks at each other when they think I’m not looking and then pitying me behind my back.
- Anon
I'm terrified that because I don't want to partner, all my friends will drift away and spend more time with romantic partners and I won't have anyone. I think that I experience platonic attraction more strongly than most people do and so I worry that I'm being too overbearing or aggressive with my affection and that friends will abandon me as a result.
I also worry about money in the future. While I'd love to have joint bank accounts and stuff with friends (I'm an anarchocommunist and don't like the idea of money anyways), I don't think it's realistic and as a result am forced to reckon with the possibility of having to live on one income, which just isn't all that great, especially considering also being trans. I worry that people will judge me for having sexual attraction without romance.
- Anon
There's something that I understand instinctively about other aromantics, about the fear of being second-choice to the whole world that no one else seems to get. It's a special, hellish sort of loneliness.
- Anon
When I first found out I was aromantic I was excited. I’ve never been interested in marriage, it feels like a burden to me, so finding out I can’t feel romantic attraction actually comforted me. It made me feel better about myself, especially because I finally felt as if I didn’t have to impress anyone with my looks or my personality. However, there are times where I do feel like I’m missing out on many life experiences. I’m a hopeless romantic, so I watch and read a lot of romance movies/books, and sometimes I can’t help but wish I could feel that kind of love too. It’s not something that bothers me, but sometimes I wish I could just feel it for a little bit, maybe try it and see if it’s really how everyone describes it.
Another thing that really bothers me sometimes is thinking that I’m gonna end up alone. Of course I have friends and family, but will they always be there for me? Sometimes I find myself thinking that I should settle down with someone nice and not too demanding just not to end up growing old by myself. Also, my parents still don’t know about all of this, so I’m also afraid that sometime they’re gonna start asking when I’m going to get married. It’s something very stressful and it makes me uncomfortable every single time a family member brings up this topic. It’s still something that I’m working on, but I try not to worry too much. Even if I have all of these negative thoughts from time to time, I still love my aromanticism and would never change anything, finding out about this label made me much more confident in myself.
- Ash
There is always this lingering fear of dying alone and uncared for because I won’t have a romantic partner that could take care of me and I don’t have any close enough friends, because most of them prioritize their romantic partners over their platonic friends.
- happyghostqueen22
I have a list of things that I feel like I’m missing out and I really wanted to have them because the romantic aspect of a person’s life is a form of escapism of the bad things that happen in life. Not having the romantic hope and excitement in my life just makes it one more aspect to be sad about. And more, every time I have a thing for someone, I already know is not going to be corresponded by them, even if it actually is, because it is never going to be in the same way (I am aroace), so instead of enjoying the feeling, I just stay disappointed with myself but still trying to hold on to those feelings I have for that person because it is the closest thing to love/a crush that I am going to have. Also, I really want to find a partner and be in a relationship with them, but firstly finding someone for me is going to be very hard.
- Isabela G.
(quoiromantic, cupioromantic) Though I sometimes like the idea of having a partner I fear that I will never find someone who feels that my disassociation from romance does not affect my ability to be a good, caring partner. I worry if I tell someone too soon, that they will not want to pursue a relationship. I worry if I tell someone too late, they will feel hurt and betrayed. I worry that they will feel that I cannot have the same level of investment in them without the romantic feelings. I fear that a partner would think that because I am not necessarily attracted to them romantically, that I cannot feel as strongly for them as they do for me if they do have that type of attraction. But I feel like I can.
I feel so strongly for people and I know that I am capable of caring and committed relationships. In fact, I fear that I will always value my platonic relationships with those I care most about more than they do. I place a high sense of responsibility and significance on my closest relationships but feel that they are always looking for something “more” than what I can give them. Or have someone who will always come before me.
- Mads
I’m afraid that someone I feel connected to will want more, and that when I reject them since I am unable to reciprocate our friendship will be ruined and we won't speak again.
- Cien
I'm afraid of growing up and then either being unable to keep my friendships or somehow not having them be as involved in my life as I'd like them to be. I'm afraid that the only person who might take care of me is myself (especially since my govt sucks lol). I'm not worried I'm not good enough for other people, I'm worried they're not good enough for me.
I'm afraid to breathe in asexuality's direction when in an "aro space". I feel forced to pick between the sides, but it doesn't work like that for me. I'm afraid the aro community will become more and more a space I cannot participate in, because my reality is apparently so different from theirs that they can't even try to understand me, even if we're both aro.
- Anon
I’m afraid that I’m going to be alone all my life. I may not want a romantic relationship but I don’t want to be alone either. I don’t seem to want a qpr either so where do I go from there. Ideally I’d like to live with one of my siblings or one of my close friends but obviously it’s not going to be what they want (all of them are allo).
- Anon
Imagining my future is incredibly different for me, especially since I've always lived under the assumption that one day, I'll get married, have kids, and live a stereotypical american life. Now that I know myself better, I really don't know what the future will hold. I see myself living alone, though I am worried that this will result in me being lonely since all my friends will presumably be married and have other things going on. I'm not even sure if marriage is right for me at this point, but I do know it has tax benefits, but I'm worried that people will assume that it's a romantic relationship. Maybe in the future a queerplatonic relationship would be nice, but it's all up in the air right now.
What I do know is that I'll be continuing my education in college to maybe become an elementary school teacher.
- Anon
I'd have to say with certainty that one of my biggest fears as an aromantic person would be my unclear future. Taking a look at the society and culture we live in, it is quite easy to recognize that this world was not made for a single person to inhabit. With the benefits marriage gives that may be necessary to some, alongside the difficulties of maintaining a strong income all by yourself, sometimes it feels like it'll be impossible for me to ever live a happy life without working myself to death since no one would be around to help me.
I'm 14, and as of now I've made plans to share a home with a bunch of my friends when we get older, some of whom also identify as aro-spec, but if that plan doesn't fall through for whatever reason I may end up stuck. Of course, this doesn't even take into account the worries I have about unwanted suitors, or those who refuse to listen to "no", but I've always stayed in relatively safe environments in which people are more understanding and those things don't happen. I'm mostly just worried that I could never survive alone, and am doomed to being miserable.
- Shadow
I’m afraid of being disrespected because I don’t want a husband.
- Anon
I'm terrified in that I will die alone. Not in the way most mean, where they fear they'll die without a partner. I am completely content with just my friends, but I'm afraid that all my friends will only ever prioritize their romantic partners. I've always been something of a loner, but recently I've made some friends who mean a lot to me.
I'm afraid someday they'll all pair up and leave me behind, and forget me, or otherwise assume I need no more attention, affection, or interaction. When the truth is I've found I love talking to people, collaborating on projects with them, I want to live with people and even help them raise kids. But I'm afraid they'll only ever see their lives in terms of pairings, and label everyone else as superfluous. I don't want to be the center of anyone's universe, but neither do I want to be left to the void of space. My love may only be platonic, but I love certain friends deeply and intensely.
Sometimes I'm afraid that that love and care is wasted, that it will never be returned, all because it's the wrong kind of love. Because it is so hard to explain, because it needs explanation at all, rather than being the romance so common we're all practically drowning in it.
I really wish I could wholeheartedly believe my love is returned and people I care for will stay by my side and remember me when making plans, and include me. But I fear that like high school, I'll just be the last one picked again and again because it's all couples all the time and I am a single.
- Glass
I found out that I am aroflux relatively recently. I found this out while I was still in the relationship I am currently in, and to be honest it has messed with me a lot.
Since I fluctuate on the aromantic spectrum, sometimes I don't feel as strong of feelings for them as I would. I know that I love them, but it really scares me that I don't feel it sometimes. I feel like I'm losing feelings for them when I'm in a place of little to no attraction and I don't want that to happen. They understand this and know that I love them, but I'm just afraid of this hindering my relationship with them.
- Lorei
I fear a lot of things. I fear that people around me won’t accept me. I fear that I won’t truly accept myself— that I’ll never actually be happy. I fear that if I ever tell my parents I am aroace I will ruin their dreams. My mother is already disappointed in the fact I’ve mentioned I never want kids and I don’t think she’d be able to take it if I told her I never planned on having that grand wedding she’s always wanted for me.
One of my biggest fears is the inevitable time in my life where all my friends will have partners and children and I will be left alone. No matter how much they say they wouldn’t let it happen, I fear I will be forgotten. That my people will find their own people who take up more of their time and I will become someone they visit every few months to catch up with— but nothing will ever be new on my end because there is no “I met this guy, I think he’s *the one*” I fear that somehow in 30+ years I will realize I’m wrong or that I lied to myself and by then it will be too late.
- Ashlynn
I'm continuously afraid that my friends will all end up in romantic relationships and that they will no longer put much effort into our friendships and I will ultimately be left behind emotionally.
- Anon
I want to be given roses, but yellow ones. I love chocolate, but no kisses but hershey. Wanna walk arms link, but no hand in hand. Share a doorbell, but no wedding bells. Have children with fur and tails, but no kids. It may seem like I'm asking for too much. But consider what I can't have. Won't be able to show this all to my family. Not without feeling they're bound to see this as something it's not, just cause how I'm bound to this person. Can't even be sure I'll get that relationship. Maybe as some temporary thing. But it's not all gloom and doom, there's lots of goodness too. Like, even when they're single, they'll be doted on - by me. And if they return the favor, I prefer cheaper sentimental gifts over really expensive diamonds. No expectation of sexual touch. An extended sleepover of friends. I ought to find someone who doesn't think it's too much, or it's not enough. Someone who thinks it's just right...right?
- Capri Salvatore
I'm an aroace 15 year old girl. When I first saw this post about being aromatic and asexual, it just clicked, I think this was a few months ago, maybe in May. I did a few minutes of research and kinda ignored it until last month.
Nowadays I'm obsessively looking through aro/ace Instagram account's stories and saving aroace posts to my "aro ace stuff I save so I feel better" private pinterest board. I've never had a crush or sexual feelings towards anyone, ever. Before I knew, I just thought I was weird or something. Even during elementary school, all my classmates were dating each other and had their crushes, which I never had, or understood.
Nowadays I feel like all high schoolers are in relationships. Which I do not want whatsoever. Now for the part for having the fear of coming out, which I'm not doing anytime soon. my friends are great but I don't feel comfortable yet, for several reasons. That's all...I must go water my plants.
- Anon
I am afraid of losing contact with my friends - some of them are already slowly getting more and more serious about their relationships, and it means they have less time to spend with their friends/it's happening on different rules. I'm afraid of losing the intimacy I have with some of my friends.
I am incredibly afraid of growing old and lonely - I don't think me having children is a good idea, but life (especially the pandemic) showed me the importance of an inbuilt system like that - I am doing shopping for my grandparents, get their books from the library, talk to them from across the fence - I don't know what would happen if I were in such a situation as an elderly person with no children/grandchildren who would occasionally help out. My parents help their parents regarding health issues - go with them to doctor appointments, visit them in hospital, get their prescriptions since grandparents' memory is getting worse. I hope I will have friends who won't mind doing this for me in case anything happens.
On the more practical side - I am afraid of not being able to have a life i dream about - I am very independent and would prefer to live alone, but my chosen career (a scientist) does not pay well and I worry about the costs of such choice - our world, but especially the housing market- is really not made for people living alone.
- Ola
I want to have a child one day and I plan to have on my own. My fear is the judgement I will face from my parents, especially my father. In our culture, it's taboo to have a child out of wedlock. I won't even have a partner when I have my child so I can't imagine how my dad will react. I want him and my mom to be a part of my child’s life and I’m scared that they won't wanna build a relationship with them.
- Anon
I already fear the time when I get older, when my lack of partners is no longer the cause of happiness for my parents, when they no longer think that I am simply doing that slower because I am shy, when the conversations don't stop, when I am expected to have a partner and a family of my own. These talks have already started, but right now they are not quite serious, still "you are young" and "we didn't have children till we were far older", but the expectations are there.
I do not want to lose my dear sibling, do not want to find out that our promise to stay together, live together, will be broken. And I fear that my sibling will not accept me. I am only out to my closest friend, who I see as my life partner, hopefully, even if we have not quite had that conversation yet. And I fear the outcome of that, too. That we will leave each other. That my friend doesn't want to stay together forever. But I also fear never telling my friend this. And there are others, we are not quite friends, because I don't let them that close, because I feel like I am living a lie, when I talk my way around their questions, even if I know that most of them are closer to being like me than being like some of the more unpleasant people I have met.
And I feel like I am lying when I very awkwardly try to flirt with someone I find safe, because I never told anyone other than my friend that I won't like them in a romantic way. I don't want to have to tell strangers my entire life story and about my aromanticism and how anything could work between us when I am just trying things out.
And I fear never speaking out, just as I fear speaking out. I want to scream at people to stop assuming and to stop being so bigoted, but I never do. Because in the end I am scared how they will react when they find out that I am aromantic.
- Adaan
I'm afraid of coming out, not because I think it'll be particularly bad or harmful, but because I know they won't understand at first. That I'd have to describe thousands upon thousands of terms, and hope that they believe me.
I'm afraid that my family won't respect my identity or wishes if I have qpr or get anywhere near the "romance line"; while at the same time being afraid that I only want a qpr because of my family and amatonormativity.
I'm afraid that being aro and amatonormativity will always lead to me having a rocky relationship with my mental health, and always cause some days to be worse than they have to be.
I'm afraid that I'll never be able to fully honestly be open and accept myself, that I won't be able to unlearn my own arophobia.
I'm afraid I’ll never find a place in my religion that accepts me and my identity.
I'm afraid that using aromantic terms will be the one thing that pushes people over the edge of accepting hatred.
I'm afraid that we will never be able to lessen the hold arophobia and amatonormativity have on my country/the world.
Ultimately, I'm afraid of a lot of things, big and small, but being in the closet makes a lot of them focus on acceptance, even if there's so much at play.
- Anon
Never being able to afford a comfortable life alone; feeling forced into a relationship I don’t actually want because it will provide stability and security.
- Anon
I am demiromantic (I think, I'm still questioning) and I often wonder if I'm really demi or if I'm just saying that to feel special. I'll have sexual attraction to people I don't know, but I only really get "crushes" on people if I already know them well and it's normally because of their personality, not how they look.
Also, a lot of times my "crushes" aren't really crushes and more just a desire to spend more time with a person and get to know them better (I think these are called "squishes', but I'm not really sure.)
- Anon
One major fear that I have for the future is stability. Both in terms of the basics like finances, shelter, food, etc, as well as emotional/social stability. As I am aromantic, it is increasingly difficult to make a living on your own. Although I live with family at the moment, that arrangement won't be around forever, and I feel as though I could become homeless at any moment.
In terms of relationship stability, I do want to have a committed partnership someday (a QPR you might say. I'd prefer a platonic relationship with sexual intimacy, without romance, but the same commitment & understanding), but I feel like the kind of partnership I want is going to be impossible to find. It's very difficult for me to make friends as it is due to my neurodivergence, so I feel like I'm going to end up alone.
I know that isn't a negative prospect for all aros out there, but for me it's legitimately frightening and saddening. Either I have to submit myself to a romantic relationship that will be repulsive to me, or I have to be alone.
- Anon