My Aromanticism (Part Three)
Word count: 2211
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
The following is a collection of reader submitted narratives. They detail personal stories, thoughts, and feelings about identifying on the aromantic spectrum. Apart from general grammar edits, these submissions have been published as submitted, and as such be aware of discussions of romance, mental illness, and sex. This is the final installment.
Being (gray)aro is painful, but freeing. I've had people cut me off and call me a sexual abuser for it (despite the fact that we'd never had any sort of sexual contact besides sharing nudes mutually), and I've broken more hearts than I'd like to have, hearts of people I wish I could have been friends with. But now that they’re all gone, I can focus on my real friends--its sucks, but people being blatantly arophobic at every turn kinda cleaning the bigots from my social circle on their own, which is kinda nice I guess!
- Anon
I wish people knew more about aromanticism. I tell people I'm not interested in romance, that I don't get crushes, and they see it as a temporary state of being. I am not brave enough to explain there is a word for this, for me, that I am aro: I am waiting for it to be known term.
I think I will be waiting a while.
- Anon
It can feel lonely when it seems like everyone around me cares more about romance than anything, but it's nice being free from lots of the drama others experience. The hardest part is feeling alone in not fitting into what's all around me, but there is a nice supportive community online and at Pride events in the city that makes me feel like I belong somewhere.
- David McCrea
Lately, I've been very afraid about my future living alone. I'm really bad at regularly keeping contact with people if I don't see them often enough. I know that I will have to change that if I don't want to be left behind while all my friends get married+kids and I just work and sleep and do nothing.
- Anon
My aromanticism has helped me feel so free by showing me that I don't need to force myself into a romantic relationship nor feel romantic attraction to be a worthwhile person. It's shown me that there are so many amazing aros out there just like me that have similar feelings and experiences. I feel free to enjoy my friendships and relationships with my family. My aromanticism has also made me feel very alone. Many of my friends are allo and don't understand what I feel and when I try to express myself they refuse to try to understand. One of my best friends has told me repeatedly that I don't know true loneliness or love because I'm aroace. But I know that's not true. Loneliness and love are how I feel when I care deeply about a person in a platonic way and want to be around them all the time but then they ditch me for their significant other. I'm glad I've made amazing online friends that are also a-spec and aro-spec because now I feel less lonely and I'm learning to love being aromantic.
- Aiden Zip
I’ve been trying to find happiness and contentment in being myself. The closer I get to that, the more I struggle to balance wanting to be around people and wanting to be alone.
- Anon
I like my aromanticism. It doesn’t make my susceptible to cling on to monogamous relationships that cause me to alienate my friends. I never understood that “Disney love” and feel quite happy that romance doesn’t hinder me from my potential.
- Scilla
To me, my aromanticism makes me feel broken. I feel as though I am different from everyone else, and specifically being a cupioromantic makes me wish I was something different.
- Em
I think my aro-ness is about embracing the wide range of affections and feelings I can hold for people; without ruining it with the expectations of a society that is so quick to over-define and moralize everything into strict categories. I can love someone outside expectations and that’s just as valid and beautiful.
- Anon
I love being aro, and how finding out that it was something other people experienced made me happier, but I wish society was built to accept non-romantic partnerships. I love my best friend, and that we're comfortable enough planning a future together that doesn't involve being in a relationship with each other, but it's hard to explain that they're the most important person in my life and no, we aren't together like that and we don't want to be.
- Anon
Being aromantic is difficult. Hardly anyone in my life knows what aromanticism is, so I'm pretty much forced inside the closet. But it's also freeing in a way that I wouldn't be otherwise.
- Nebula
I hate it when people tell me that I just haven't met the right person yet. I hate it partly because they don't get that I neither want to nor am capable of "meeting the right person" in the sense they're talking about, but mostly I hate it because I'm scared they're right.
- Kat
Coming to terms with being aro freed me from a lot of society's standards of beauty. I don't have to be attractive if I'm not attracting anyone.
Mostly being aro is quiet and peaceful, I'm just me on my own, and that's always made me happiest.
- Raven
My aromantic identity is confusing and hard to navigate because I’m always the odd one out while living in the world full of romantics. I don’t date. I’m also ace spec and I don’t hardly have sex. I’m very grey and fluid with my ace and aro identities. It gets exhausting because I’m always erased. I’m ace and aro because it describes a majority of my lived reality as a kid, teen, and most parts of my adult life. Also acknowledging it’s ok to have a sexuality that is fluid and changing because I am grey.
- Anon
For me, aromanticism is a word to describe the differences in how I experience the world that are scattered throughout my life. It's who I am and who I've always been, but it's nice to have a word to accurately describe it.
- Anon
For me being aro means the people around me see me as childish, irresponsible, and incompetent. For years I have been trying to convince people that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I am functioning adult. But not being interested in sex and 'settling down' means I must be sick in the head. People are quick to jump to the conclusion that I am must be depressed and must see a psychologist because I don't want to 'grow up' and that is a sign of a mental illness.
- Anon
My aromanticism is just another facet of the colourful, multidimensional shape that is me. It's intrinsic to my identity, and liberates my psyche.
- Melanysus
Being aro is being a spectator of your own culture. You hardly participate in romance but can't help but notice every instance of it. It gives you a unique perspective, but it's also alienating.
- Anon
Being aro clicked so much for me? It made me realize my need for sensual attraction? Being aro sparked a finding of my identity and I feel so complete. It truly means so much to me, for me, and in just the one word, I feel perfectly described.
- Reese Xavier Gonzalez
For me, my aromanticism mostly focused on intimate platonic relationships. Many people have given their thoughts, that I just haven't met the right person and such. I'd never experienced any kind of romantic attraction throughout my childhood or teenage years. And when I found out about aromanticism it was enlightening; it wasn't just me. "Coming out" doesn't work out so well when so many people don't believe in humans who don't experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. Many people dehumanise or write off those who express their lack of these forms of attraction and ignore the importance of and potential of platonic love. Appreciating the value and importance of different kinds of love is the key to my aromanticism. Different levels of intimacy aren't inherently romantic in nature but society does not support this experience unfortunately. Love is love and is always important. No kind is inherently more important or more worthy of attention.
- Kiwi
Being both ace and aro means I have time to live my life. All of those problems people get themselves into while trying to chase happiness through winning a partner's love? Can't relate. If I chase somebody, it's because I've thought about it and think it'll make our lives better, not because of a burning desire or yearning for them that's potentially inexplicable, irrational, and/or fickle. Instead of feeling thrown into love by my nature, I choose who to love (which is really just about everyone I get to know personally) and I feel more in control of my life story as a result.
- Anon
I just want to be with the people I care about and cuddle them and maybe kiss them too, but I don’t want them to think I love them romantically.
- Anon
My aromanticism is mildly lonely but generally really cool. There are times when my heart aches that I'm never going to experience what zedromantic/alloromantic people can, and I feel sad that there's no representation, but there are also times when being that seems like such an annoying distraction that would make you so unproductive it wouldn't be worth it. I also get to see that weirdness from the outside, I'm the most impartial judge for my friends when it comes to romance, and I feel so lucky that I get to help them.
- Anon
Being aro is annoying sometimes. Between the insistence of others to enter a romantic relationship just to fit in and getting bored of doing things alone, sometimes I wonder if I should give in even knowing that I wouldn't be happy.
- Anon
Being aro means having a heart that bleeds green against a backdrop of red. And frankly, that's punk as fuck.
- Star-Allos
Being aro for me is to be erased in a romance & coupling-obsessed world. We have much to give others, of any romantic status, in the form of quality friendships if people will let us.
- DogObsessed
Aromanticism is a part of me that I doubt yet have never doubted at the same time. It's the part of me I love the most and the part of me I hate the most. It's double-edged but it's me, and I embrace it because even if it makes me fall into despair, it also makes me feel free.
- Anon
I recall a late night up alone with my dear friend talking of how the word "love" and "I love you"s have become so often used to by couples who treat each other so poorly and the words had lost all meaning to us. We agreed the phrasing should be avoided at all costs in favor of words and actions specifically to be appreciated by the individual we wanted to express affection to. I thrive on the expression of love and not it's reciprocation. It is hurtful that most often my kind gestures are mistaken for a desire for increased romance or intimacy because the act of giving is gratifying in itself for me. I should not be shut out or asked to go beyond my comfort for giving. Love is the only gift which is always free to give. Sadly few see things this way.
- Irie
Aromanticism is freeing. It lets me write the rules for my relationships with others, allowing me to be closer to those I care about without that meaning entering a romantic relationship by default.
- Anon
Aromantic is something applied to me by others, not something I identify strongly with. I don't know how to define 'romance' except in terms of norms that designate child-producing (or at least child-rearing), monogamous, economically tied, sexual relationships as a distinct "kind" of relationship. I don't want kids, I have no interest in monogamy or even hierarchical polyamory, my anticapitalism has put me in deep economic relationships with people who were strangers before we co-owned property, and, like many wlw, I have sex with my friends. I can't tell the difference between a close-friend-and-roommate who I have sex with and a romantic partner, and as a result I can't label any of my experiences 'romantic attraction'. If I'm feeling controversial, I don't think anyone else who lives the way I do could either.
- Scilla
Aromanticism is for me about how I relate to other people and I think it made me more open to myself with my feelings, and it makes me more aware of how much I love my friends, family, or even regular acquaintances. Once I realised non-romantic love was no worse than romantic, that it was incredibly important, I allowed myself to care for others in a more genuine way and be more open about it.
- Ola
We’d like to thank everyone who participated in this experience; reading through your submissions been a hell of a ride, one with many highs and lows. The first and second parts in this series can be found here. We hope to collect aro stories again in the future, if you have a topic or question you’d like answered by your peers feel fee to contact us.