My QPR
The following is a collection of reader submitted narratives. They detail personal stories, thoughts, and feelings about queerplatonic relationships. Apart from general grammar edits, these submissions have been published as submitted, and as such be aware of discussions of romance. The majority of submissions are anonymous due to an error with the submission form rather than personal preference.
Word count: 3163 words
Estimated reading time: Approx. 16 minutes
I identify as arospec and my queerplatonic partner does not; regardless, we share the same feelings about not wanting a romance-oriented life. We have chosen, instead, to orient our lives around each other. We plan to buy a house together, adopt and raise children together, and be each other’s support system. My queerplatonic relationship is one that is a constant source of love and support, and I’m very glad to have my partner.
- Anon
My experience with QPRs was that I was dating a friend but we don't feel romantic attraction (and my ex doesn't feel sexual attraction either). We wanted some sort of potential for a long-term relationship and going on dates, but there were no romantic feelings there. My ideal QPR would be living together with someone(s) who I'm close to (someone I'd consider a close friend currently) and hanging out and enjoying life together, also having multiple people makes financial stuff easy. In an ideal world there'd be some sexual element but that's by no means a deal-breaker. Being poly isn't either, but it would definitely be preferable.
- Anon
My QPR, truthfully, saved my life. We met online as she lives on the other side of the globe. We've only known each other for 6 months but I trust her with my life. In a few years when we both graduate, we'll move to Canada and get an apartment together. We're going to adopt a cat (yes, that's stereotypical). I don't know if I'd still be here without her, she's my everything. We marvel over baking bread in the middle of the night, spending weekends in libraries, and taking on road trips. I joke about how I'll make her favorite drink all the time and she jokes about hiding plants around the house. I love her with all my heart, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.
- Roi
I've only been in a QPR for a few months, but it's absolutely wonderful! My qpp calls me his ''mega friend''. We hug and we cuddle, but without romantic intent. We even kiss on the cheek or nose, but it's an expression of closeness and intimacy on an emotional level. Emotions can run to deep, vast, and significant places for platonic relationships, too! We're planning to move in together because we trust each other with financial stability and respecting each others' boundaries. We know each other well enough to have inside jokes, because we've been friends for years before he popped the qpp question! So yeah, "mega friend" sounds about right.
- Anon
Our connection has never needed a romantic element because it allows us to be ourselves, wholeheartedly, with one another. The safety and comfort we have created within our partnership lets us love and accept each other for who we are.
- Anon
Me and my QPP met through a PJO RP Amino and at first didn't get along very much until one day they asked me for help with a project they were working on because I offered it in case they needed it. Well, since then we started texting each other at all times non-stop and we became friends very quick and very easily, it literally was like we were two puzzle pieces meant to match with each other. Then we started talking through Discord and Skype and other platforms and social media and video called and called each other constantly (always making sure it wasn't very late for the other because we live in different timezones).
We soon realized we had surpassed what we both understood as friendship but that we weren't romantically interested in the other (mainly because I am aromantic and my partner's also in the aromantic spectrum), we also knew it wasn't that kinda friendship you may have with someone that make you consider that person like a sibling either. So one day we decided to talk about what we were and if we wanted to put a label to it. We both knew about the existence of queerplatonic relationships but neither of us had had previous experience with being in one and so we talked and realized that what we had fit our knowledge or version of what this kind of relationship meant and so we started officially being on a QPR and we were, and still are very happy about it even if nowadays we don't talk as much as we used some months ago because our studies and other reasons don't allow us to but we still care deeply for each other. We jokingly refer to each other as fiancé because we are always joking that one day we will get married for tax benefits and an easier way to travel between our home countries.
I literally don't know what my life would be without my queerplatonic partner since they have always been there when I needed it and helped me get through in my worst moments as I have helped them too. My life would be very different without them and I don't want to imagine one without them either because I love them so much. And yes, my love for them isn't of a romantic kind but not for that is less valid or true.
- Anon
My qpp and I have been together for almost 6 years now. What I like most about our qpr is that it's fairly casual but still committed. My partner is in a romantic relationship with someone else and we will probably never live together, but I know they're always there for me, and someday I will hopefully be an eccentric aunt or third parent to their kids. I can be honest with my qpp about pretty much everything and I know they won't judge me for it. We've both grown and changed a lot as people in 6 years, but they're still one of my favorite people to be around.
- Anon
My zucchini and I met because we were roommates at uni and instantly made a connection. I knew soon after getting to know them that our bond was something I’d never experienced before and may never again. My favorite thing about our relationship is how similar we are: same middle name, same interests, same brainwaves (we often say we’re the same person); I honestly can’t find a better word to describe us in English than soulmates, because of how in sync we are. I asked them to be in a QPR because when I first came across the term, it seemed like what we already had/what I wanted. This is the first time I’ve ever had romantic feelings, so for me a QPR doesn’t have all the perceived gender roles a traditional relationship might, and therefore gives me less anxiety. As for our future, we’ve talked about living in the same city and having a ceremony sometime. This relationship is for sure long-term; I can’t imagine my life without them.
- Colette
My QPR is long-distance which makes it easier to explain to people who we are not out to yet and suits us just fine as both of us are on the asexual spectrum. I am also aromantic though he is not but he is perfectly happy to be in a QPR rather than a traditional relationship. Our QPR is rather open as well so if either of us found another partner we would be perfectly happy to include them or just let the other person have a second relationship whether that be another QPR or a traditional relationship.
- Anon
My queer platonic partner and I met after she already identified as ace, and after she introducded me to the term, I realized I was the same. We became close friends and sometime during a road trip we stopped at a gas station for food while we were waiting in line for the womens room, one thing turned into another and she said we should just be queer platonic partners and I could not have agreed more. We plan to get married in the future and live together on a farm for her cows and my horses and grow old together.
- Anon
My QPR first confessed their crush to me back in 2016. We had spent the previous few weeks hanging out and taking naps together--although we later learned that neither of us had been able to sleep. She told me that she had a romantic crush on me, and then she had her first panic attack. I helped her with grounding, then we had a conversation.
I was thrilled for the idea of a QPR, but she didn't really understand what that meant. (She's fully alloromantic, while I'm aroflux but mostly aro.) She thought that I had rejected her confession; I thought that I had accepted it.
A few weeks later, I ended up realizing and confessing my own (alterous) attraction towards her. I then, also, had my first panic attack. I guess you could say we were each other's "firsts." After my panic attack, she helped me with grounding, and then we had another conversation.
It's now 2020, and it's been a turbulent few years, but I think that we're finally on the same page. My QPP doesn't mind that we have two different perspectives. I call her my life partner (since most people don't understand "queerplatonic partner"), and she calls me her [romantic] partner. My QPP also doesn't mind that my feelings towards her (alterous, platonic, romantic) fluctuate. Nor does she mind that I'm a pining polyaffectionate.
For a long time, I wished that I could have partnership. A relationship that was intimate, committed, intentional, and long-term. And now, I feel so lucky to have that. We learn from each other, live together, and cook together. We've supported each other through rough times. I moved to a new city for her. I plan to do so again. And, she lets me!!
My QPR hasn't magically answered my every need and desire, of course. I still wish for more intimate, committed, intentional relationships with other friends. But intimacy is difficult, and amatonormativity makes it harder. I fear that I might scare them off with such a conversation. Or that I might eventually get pushed away, in favor of a new romantic partner instead. It's really hard to navigate "friendship" norms when you don't understand the differences between friendships and romantic partnerships.
But also, I think that my current QPR is proof to myself that these relationships are possible. It proves that, with some courage and communication, I CAN have intimate, committed relationships with friends. It doesn't matter that we have different romantic orientations or relationship styles, we just need honest conversations and a mutual desire to be a part of each other's lives. And...I think that's amazing.
- Corey J
My partner asked me if I wanted to be in a QPR a fair bit ago, I'd say maybe half a year? I've never been good with time; the time isn't what matters. It's the presence that matters. The presence of someone that knows you as intimately as someone ever could, in a timeless sort of way. It's not something that could be 'broken off' easily, in my opinion--even if me and my partner 'broke off', in a sense, she'd still be my partner. She'd still intimately hold a piece of me that no one else could at one point in time; even if I wanted to take that piece of me away from her, I couldn't, and I’m not sure that she can take away the pieces of herself, of her trust, that she gives to me. It’s this idea of a partnership formed through the bounds of a platonic love, the sort of love that makes you want to experience life with them at your side, arms slung over each other’s shoulders as you discuss getting yet another cat for your shared apartment. A domestic sort of love, the kind that married couples have, if they truly love and trust each other. Just subtract the sex, and the romance.
- Anon
My partner is romantic and I’m aromantic, and we’re in a QPR because it’s what makes me most comfortable, and they’re happy to accommodate me. We love each other very much, we kiss and hold hands and send each other stupid pictures during the day. They call me their boyfriend and I call them my partner. If I wake up not wanting to be super romantic, they’re okay with that, and they respect my boundaries. Neither of us believe in marriage, but we’d like to own some rats one day.
- Anon
Like a close, committed friendship. Datemates, going out to town together, sleeping over in the same bed. A bit more intimate than other friendships in my life, but not romantic, or sexual (in this case at least).
- Anon
Although we've known each other for approximately two years, we've only been together for almost three weeks or so, and we're both highly stressed female scholars. I am a biplatonic idemromantic apothisexual. She is a panromantic autochorissexual, although she's not sure about her asexuality yet.
During the last few weeks, we started to talk a lot, and the conversations suddenly became deeper and personal. I found it nice (and strange), though; being able to talk to someone about all the problems and things I've gone through without holding back. I'm a very secretive person to begin with, so being able to talk to someone openly was...refreshing, I suppose. Somehow, we ended up discussing sexualities (or the lack thereof ;D) and QPRs, and she decided that she wanted to experience one, with me. I accepted, seeing as I trust her enough. I find it funny, actually. She has a crush on another female classmate, which I, of course, respect, but she decided to choose me. So, we both made sure that we both wanted this companionship (we call our QPR a companionship). We discussed the pros and cons, the boundaries and the conditions - it was pretty much a contract.
However, we have had problems, especially last week. She was so stressed with schoolwork that she became very paranoid and overly emotional; I had a hard time dealing with it (ENTJ go brr. She's ENFP). At that time, she decided that she didn't want our companionship to revolve around our emotional baggage, so we agreed to stay companions, but restart our friendship. Part of this was avoiding pet names (she's still uncomfortable with them; due to the pandemic, we sadly don't see each other as often, anymore). Fortunately, I was able to help her calm down and finish our schoolwork, so she has been happier these days. This week has been great, too. Our friendship is getting better (our conversations no longer focus on emotional baggage; at least, not as much as it used to.), and we're getting a lot more comfortable with each other, especially since the sudden openness was unnatural for both of us.
I do wish that this companionship works, if not, then, at least last longer. I do truly enjoy being "hers," and having someone. I never even thought that I'd ever be in a relationship of any kind. To conclude, I can't wait to see her again after this pandemic is over. That's all; thank you!
- ❁
We met on her first week at uni and my second year back, funnily enough she properly dated my best friend for a bit and it took us a long while to become close friends, like ‘call each other in emergency’ friends. I finally popped the question about being my QPP and she agreed, wanting to be closer to each other and being each other’s support. We cuddle, hold hands, wait for each other to binge out favourite TV shows, be each other's emergency contacts, be there for each other when mental health goes to shit, look out for each other. I consider her a partner of some sort, someone I can rely on. I think my favourite thing is the being there for each other and being committed about it. As for our future? I’m not sure, I would like to maybe live with her one day or travel together. For now supporting each other emotionally and mentally is going solid.
- Anon
Me and QPP would be high school sweethearts if we were dating. I'm ace-aro, he's not and we struggle with that. He accommodates my aversion to all things sexual and romantic and I owe him the world for that. We go to different colleges right now, but we call three times a week for several hours so that we're always in the loop. We have a lot of plans. We're going to get married and acquire children (I refuse to produce) and I still feel strange about it. I've learned to speak about it in an emotional rather than legal sense, but it's difficult to relate our relationship to amatonormative legal constructs. It's strange being a hetero appearing relationship but not relating to that experience. My QPP is my best friend and my life partner. He gardens and bakes bread and loves camping and kayaking. He cares immensely about the Earth and his friends and family. I care about him immensely. He brings me a joy I've never experienced before. One I never expected to feel.
- Anon
So when I think of my relationship and my partner I think about how I'm alloromantic. And I've had close friendships, so I know the differences. All bring me joy in unique ways. I find that my life is richer for these terms and to know that the way I feel about my partner is something that other people can understand. I feel blessed to be able to participate and have access to understanding more of the spectrum of human care and affection. My partner and I clicked so well, and when I asked if we could redefine our relationship as a QPR I was just as skittish and flooding with adrenaline, like when my ex-girlfriend and I decided to become partners. To be known and to know another is such a gift. Just to know that this person exists and values me even now, as I type this, I feel a thrill. For me our QPR is a thing of intimacy, of being known, of sharing joys and dividing miseries. I hope that we grow together and continue to share and divide.
- squirreltastic
My qpp and I met in a class we share, I’ve never felt comfortable around my peers but they brought me out of my shell and helped me be brave enough to be myself in a public space. We’re both massive nerds and even though most of the time we don’t really understand what the other person is rambling about we still love hearing each other go on about our interests. They make me happy to be myself!! Without the assumptions of a traditional romantic relationship we both get to define what our love means.
- Anon