No Room for Rishtas

Tell us about yourself, whatever you consider important.

I am Shamama (she/her). I am an aromantic-asexual, and a first generation Pakistani-Canadian. My parents immigrated from Pakistan over thirty years ago to start a better life here in Canada. Growing up, I felt like I had one foot in two doors.  I wasn’t Pakistani enough for my relatives and I wasn’t Canadian enough for my classmates. I really struggled with these two identities for a long time, as I thought I had to be perfect at both. That I had to watch every cricket and hockey match, that I had to like drinking chai and eating montreal smoked meat.  It took me a long time to realize that in the end, there was no threshold for “Pakistani-ness” or “Canadian-ness”. Just because my Urdu is terrible doesn’t make me less Pakistani, and just because I’m not a hockey fan doesn’t make me less Canadian (sorry fellow Canadians, please don’t hate me). 

Also, I realized that although my cultural identity has shaped me, and is a significant part of who I am, I am not defined by it alone. We are all molded by various forces that make us who we are.

What does aromantic mean to you?

To me, being aromantic means I am unable to feel romantic feelings for anyone, as much as I may care for them. I liken it to a natural quirk like being left-handed, or how for some people, bright lights makes them sneeze, or cilantro tastes like soap. It’s just part of who I am, like my cultural identity. Except unlike my cultural identity, my aromantism wasn’t so obvious until a few years ago, as I didn’t have a term for it. When I first learned about aromanticism, and began to try on the label, it just clicked. I finally had an explanation for why I dreaded the idea of a romantic relationship, why I was always baffled by my friends doing the most ridiculous things in the name of true love, and why I never had crushes on anyone.

How does your being aromantic interact with your culture?

Although choosing your spouse has become somewhat acceptable in Pakistani culture, for the most part, marriages are still arranged. Interactions with members of the opposite sex who aren’t related to you was, and still is, taboo. My grandparents didn’t meet until their wedding day. My parents barely communicated once they were engaged, so they didn’t know too much about each other before they were married. The idea of marrying someone for love is still seen as unusual. Marriage in Pakistani culture is more of a necessity to ensure one’s future, and one’s passage into adulthood.

I would imagine amatonormativity isn't as strong of a force in Pakistan as it is in say, Canada. Physical displays of affection are heavily frowned upon in our culture. Also (as far as I know) Valentine's day is (or was) banned in Pakistan.

Before I even knew about aromanticism, I sort of passively accepted my parents would choose my spouse. I figured it was just another part of life that I had to go through, like graduating from university or getting my drivers license. But deep down, the idea of marriage still made me queasy.

There are a lot of expectations for Pakistani women who are married. We are expected to be the primary caregivers of our children and in-laws, while managing the household, and our husbands are supposed to be the breadwinners. A lot of women are discouraged from pursuing a career or higher education, especially after they are married, as it may interfere with their dedication to their family. I knew in the end that kind of life wasn't for me so I would stubbornly turn down whatever marriage proposals - rishtas - my parents would bring up to me.

Whenever I pictured my future life, I saw myself working as an engineer in a lab. I would live in a studio apartment just outside the city, with a balcony for my garden where I would grow tomatoes and peppers. I would have a nook for writing or painting, and a bookshelf I built myself in my Wednesday night shop class, crammed full of works by Douglas Adams and Rumi. I would spend my evenings learning something new - a recipe, a language, or a musical instrument. I would be out most of my weekends hiking on a new trail, if I wasn’t busy volunteering at a group home or visiting my family. I saw myself travelling at least once a year to somewhere I had never been before, like the Northwest Territories to see Aurora Borealis, or Thailand to go scuba diving in Ko Tao. If there’s one thing I could say for certain, in this future I envisioned for myself, I had no room for a spouse.

There’s just so much to learn about this big, beautiful world. I want to soak up as much as I can before I leave it. To me, settling down with a significant other would take up too much time away from my dreams.

When I first came out to my parents as aromantic asexual, they had a hard time understanding it, and how it applied to getting married. They built their lives together as basic strangers and developed their relationship over a period of nearly 40 years after they got married. Love was not part of that equation, even after moving to a foreign country and having four children. Even now, my family doesn't really understand my being aromantic asexual; they probably think I made it up, or its just a phase. I wish one day they will come to accept my sexual and romantic identity, but I understand to get to that point, there are a lot more conversations to be had.

What’s something you love about being aro?

I struggled with my romantic and sexual identities for a long time. So when I discovered I was aromantic asexual, it was like reaching the zenith of a mountain I was climbing my whole life. Since then, I have taken great pride in being aromantic asexual. I wear my white and black rings faithfully, with the hope that my fellow aros and aces may recognize me in the wild as one of their own. To me, being aromantic isn’t a lack of love. Rather, it’s the ability to love all that which is around me - myself, my family, my friends, my planet and all that is in it - wholly, openly, and fervently. I am proud of being aromantic because it means that my love has no hierarchy. Everything and everyone I love, I love equally, no terms or conditions apply. 

Another aspect about being aromantic that I love is that it allows me to be more introspective. Not to say that alloromantics are less introspective. But I feel that because I am aromantic, I don't have any headspace dedicated to finding a significant other, or building a relationship with one. It allows me to build a relationship with myself, and work on who I am as a person.

Also, I feel that being aromantic has allowed me to give great relationship advice to my friends, kind of like the expression "coaches don't play".

How would you like aromantic advocacy to grow?

I would like to see more aromantic persons of colour represented in media. We as aros already have so little representation. As we are still learning about various romantic and sexual orientations, it is worthwhile to take into account more diverse voices and their own unique perspectives. I would also like to see more spaces for aros of colour to share their own experiences with being aro, as I think seeing these experiences will help us learn more about aromanticism, and will help others who may be struggling with their identity. Also, by inviting more voices to speak, we empower our aro community that much more.

We pitched this article to you as highlighting the voices of aros of colour. Is there anything you’d like to say?

To any aros or aces of colour, you’re not alone. We’re out there for you. I think we as aros of colour could use a platform of our own to find each other and share our experiences.
If I could go back in time and speak to my past self, I would tell her not to worry about being like everyone else, or knowing all the answers to everything. I would tell her, and anyone who is struggling with their identity that this journey is yours to take, and yours alone. You choose the pace and timing, and you decide if and when it is over.

One thing I can say is that I love being part of the tumblr community. I think tumblr really helped me learn about aromanticism and it was validating to see various aro users sharing their experiences, and being able to relate to these experiences. To any of you who are struggling with your identity, you should check out the aromantic community on tumblr.  I'm at desiaroace if any of you are interested in chatting about it.