Singlism 101
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1295 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 6 minutes
There’s a certain expectation among aros that when we come out we will be met with confusion, and - after we quickly give a lecture on what exactly aromanticism is - we will be facing down angered doubt.
“What exactly do you mean you don’t want to be in a relationship? You’ll find someone!”
In our coming out advice article one way we suggested that you introduce the concept of your aromanticism is as the old fable about boiling a frog alive goes. Introduce the idea slowly, without reference to yourself, and see how the person you’d like to know you better reacts.
Unfortunately singlism proves that perhaps our absence (or fluctuation, or unreliability) of romantic feelings may not be the root of peoples’ denial. While the frog metaphor is truly horrible there are plenty of dramatic family member who do act like you’re killing them when you simply say: “eh I’m not interested in a relationship.” And why is that?
Singlism was coined by social psychologist Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., when, over time, she noticed a pattern in behaviour toward single people.
Singlism is the stigmatizing of adults who are single. Further it is the stereotyping and discrimination that single people face.
How does it hurt?
There are many people who will argue that singlism is not an actual issue. Or that it is an inconsequential issue. After all no one really cares if you’re single, right?
However the world over, from social to economic, the way single people are treated is as less than. Divorcee’s are pitied, and people who have never been married are judged, often harshly. Family, friends, loved ones, all will, extremely casually, imply that there is obviously something wrong with them if there is or never has been a relationship. How many times are aromantics considered childish and immature due to our disinterest in romantic relationships? That opinion tends to only get worse as aros age.
The financial burden
The nuclear family is valued above all in Western society and the system reflects that. The laws and policies in place favour partnered people, raising the cost of living for those that are single.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics figures find that single people bear a financial strain. The average cost of living in Australia last year for one person was $2,835 AUD per month. The average for a couple was $4,118 AUD per month and for a family of 4 it is $5,378 AUD. These numbers reflect a market that caters specifically to combined, or coupled, expenses.
If you research loans, travel packages, health insurance, etc. for your country you’ll find concerning statistics of your own. While you’re searching, type “marry for tax benefits” into Google and see what shows up.
In 2014, a U.S. study in the income of population over 55 found that the never-married elderly, aged 65 and older, have the highest poverty rate among all groups. That is on top of presumably have little support system thanks to being unmarried and without children.
Public perception
Kristin Noreen found DePaulo’s book, Singled Out, by chance one day, and the myths it debunked about living single changed her life. Positively for the most part, but she was met with some resistance. Noreen wrote that coming out as Single-At-Heart was met more negatively that coming out as a lesbian did. The lesbian community she had found no longer had any interest, or saw any point in spending time on her, when she wasn’t “on the market”. Family and friends were confused, invasive, and saw her decision to stay single as something that needed to be corrected.
What Noreen is describing here is something us aros are extremely familiar with. If we are not interested in romance, what do we have to offer? What are we interested in? What do we even do with all our free time?
Well you’ll be asked to work weekends and holidays so your partnered and parenting co-workers can live the lives they actually have, unlike you is the implication.
For people interested in partnering, the concept of non partnering found commonly among aromantics and people content with single life is inconceivable. In two studies, one from Israel and one from the U.S., participants were shown biographical sketches of people who were single and liked that and people who were single but wanted to be partnered. The happy single people were judged more harshly, to be less happy, less sociable, less warm, to lead less exciting lives, and were found to anger the participants more than the people hopeful to partner.
Much of the negatives responses aros (and aces) are met with can be traced back to singlism. On top of that, singlism and amatonormativity are tightly entwined. If we’re expected to be in relationships then of course there is backlash when we are not.
The LGBTQ+ community
Lesbians are stereotyped as ready to marry on the second date. Gay men are stereotyped to be on every dating app there is. Bisexuals are stereotyped to be cheaters looking to sleep with as many people as possible. These are the orientations interested in romance that are well enough known to be slapped with stereotypes. There are more, we’ve all heard them, but what does the actual community look like?
Queer time is the theory that we live on a different schedule to cis and/or heterosexual people. Jack Halberstam, a queer scholar, argues that we live “in opposition to the institutions of family, heterosexuality, and reproduction”. He states that queerness itself is “an outcome of strange temporalities, imaginative life schedules, and eccentric economic practices.”
In our youth we live either oblivious to our future realisations, quietly closeted, or outwardly as something other than ourselves. There is often talk that queer people in their 20s are living out their adolescence, doing all the things that straight people got to do as teens. The idea makes sense and while it is true for many LGBTQ+ people, it is not true for all.
Where do we feature?
Is there are space better known to find queer people in than gay bars? Finding LGBTQ+ groups offline is an arduous and often fruitless task. Unless you’re extremely lucky in your search, then you’d better like clubbing: a scene that is well known for its hook-up culture. A culture that is well known to be a precursor for dating.
On paper, aromantics are unlikely to find ourselves comfortable in queer spaces as they are often orientated around romance. How many times have you heard the slogan ‘Love is Love’ associated with queer groups, and especially with activism groups? There is already an overabundance of focus on romance in queer spaces. With singlism added into the mix, it's easy to imagine us being overlooked.
However, in 2017 a study found that 56% of LGBT Americans had always been single. What exactly do their lives look like? Is that a current goal or a permanent lifestyle? What do their friends and family think? Do they have friends or family? Are they happy to be single? Are they happy, full stop?
Despite the handicap that singlism causes, being single means to have agency over your life. Being queer means we get to chart our course as we wish. To put yourself first in a capitalist world that demands we serve others is a difficult and courageous task. Like amatonormativity, singlism is unfortunately here to stay - for now. But more and more people are choosing not to marry and stay single every year, and hopefully social expectation and the system we live in will grow to reflect that. Until then, keep an eye out for the other single people in your life. They might not be aromantic, but that doesn’t mean they have to go it alone. Being single doesn’t have to mean being alone.