A Guide to Allo Aro Inclusion in A-Spec Communities
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 1306
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
In this day and age, there is a slowly growing awareness about aromanticism. More and more people are discovering and adopting the aromantic orientation, getting to know people like them, and speaking up about their lives. This, in turn, lets others learn more about us. However, there are still plenty of challenges faced by aromantics, with one in particular being the lack of support for aromantics who aren’t asexual.
This subset of aromantics, those who either don’t have a sexual orientation or are allosexual aromantic, are often woefully underrepresented in discussions about romanticism. In the current reality, aromanticism is most often talked about in the context of asexuality, and people in those groups suffer for it. There is a missing sense of community, a lack of a spaces where they can be themselves. More often then not, the experience of aromantics who aren’t asexual is one of isolation, or being left out.
The reality is that the majority of people who identify as aromantic right now are probably also asexual. They most likely learned about their aromanticism in asexual spaces, and that’s where many of them started talking about it, and found likeminded people. They may have a network of connections with other aromantic asexuals through more organized and established asexual resources, which includes groups and events. Allo aros rarely have that, as their connecting point is aromanticism, an identity that is very new, and doesn’t have as many dedicated resources, networks or support groups.
Until it gains more publicity and awareness, allowing more people to discover and adopt this identity, these aros won’t have this network: a community of people to rely on and support each other. This is especially true, given that many aromantics are involved in asexual activism.
With this all on the table, groups that are called “Aces and Aros” have been popping up, and such groups can be a middle ground answer for both allosexual and no sexual orientation aros, who want to meet and build relationships with other aros, and asexual aromantics, who are also involved in asexual affairs. At one point we, aromantics, may be strong enough to separate more and support each other with all sexual and romantic minorities, but right now is not that time. Now can be time of more solidarity and we believe that more people feel it, in part because of those events that are open to asexuals and aromantics.
The issue though is that a lot of allosexual aros aren’t sure if they’re welcome. When spaces aren’t explicit about who they are meant for, many allosexual aros/aros without a sexual orientation aren’t sure if they’re included or allowed to be themselves in such groups. Even more so in ones that are led by ace groups, or were previously ace only events.
Some people and groups are inclusive of allo aros, with policies in place to accommodate them, and they pull it off well. Others want to be inclusive, but may not know how to do that, or are afraid of doing it. Some groups really just want to be open to asexuals only. This is by no means a bad thing, but if this is the case, it’s better for everyone involved to know your boundaries. Advertising a space or group as ace and aro when you really only mean asexuals can cause a lot of harm, and not just for alloaros or aros without a sexual orientation. For those who fall into the second category however, who want to make space and build those connections with all aromantics, and just aren’t sure how to go about it? For you, we have some suggestions that may help.
Advertising
Specifying who you want to invite to the meeting, group, event, etc., is crucial. What people see will help them decide if they want to come, with factors like: will they be able to relax and be open with their thoughts or if they have to have their guard up. Allo aros in groups that are mostly asexual will probably be cautious and slower to trust. The goal of being inclusive is to make them really feel that this is the place for them too. So how to word it? An “Ace and Aro” group’s description can say “open to all aros and all aces”, “it’s a group for people on the aromantic and/or asexual spectra (/spectrums)”, “open to aromantics, including aroaces and allo aros, and asexuals, including aroaces and allo aces", " it's a group for all aros and all aces, regardless of other orientations". Think what you want to achieve - the key is to make sure to emphasize it’s for all aromantics and that asexuality is optional. General tips: say “aro and ace” and “ace and aro” interchangeably, so there isn’t an automatic feeling of hierarchy when you say “asexual and aromantic” all the time, don’t say “aromantic and asexual spectrum”, since they’re two spectra. Language shapes the space that is created, and allo aros may be sensitive to subtle signs.
If you’re a group that is open to aces only, be it allo aces or aroaces, don’t mention aromanticism. Aroaces are covered by saying “open to all aces” or “it’s a group for all aces, regardless of their romantic orientation”. By saying “it’s a group for aces and aros” when you only mean different flavours of asexual, aro here means only aroaces. This not only implies that aroaces aren’t covered by the label “ace”, you also leave the door open for allo aros to join, only to be hurt and disappointed when it turns out this isn’t a space for them.
Conflicting needs
With the inclusion of all aromantics, more conflicting needs may arise. It’s good to be mindful of them, but they don’t have to be big challenges, nor are they even new. Not all aromantics are romance repulsed and not all asexuals are sex repulsed either. Both groups probably want some space to talk about their navigation of sex and romance. Allo aros would like a place where they can share their thoughts, struggles and successes in their sexuality and relate it to their aromanticism too. This doesn’t even mean that everyone else would be at loss in such a topic, as asexual people don’t have to be celibate either. If there’s already a way to take care of people with sex repulsion, romance repulsion can be managed in an analogous way. Allow people to step away or tune out of conversation. We can all respect each other and that there are some similarities and differences between each other, as there always are and even homogenous groups don’t have identical people.
Give space to allo aros
How this will look depends heavily on what kind of space a group or event is. If you’re moderating a discussion, ask some questions that are relevant to allo aros, e.g. in a discussion on polyamory you can ask how polyamorous language can help allo aros in their relationships. If it’s a support group, you can encourage them to speak about their experiences with sexuality too. At an event, invite allo aro people to present their perspectives, or if that’s not possible, have someone who is allo aro approve of a presentation. Give space to aromantics and aromanticism and make sure to split the time as evenly as possible between the topics that are more relevant to aros, and those that are more relevant to aces. Remind people to be respectful and not to generalize in “all allos” statements. Everyone has something to learn and boosting a variety of aro voices will strength that diversity in our community
If you want to create good spaces for all aromantics that are also spaces for asexuals, be mindful of every group, and aim for equal status of all identities. This should be satisfying for everybody.
For more information on community care and inclusion, check out K. A. Cook's resource page.
All of the linked readings are worth looking into, but we’d like to highlight ze’s in-depth guide to alloaro inclusion and Grey’s thoughts on the relationship between the aro and ace communities.
Both writers have shared some wonderful creations including K. A. Cook’s AroWorlds blog, the fabric alloaro flag we used as a thumbnail, and ze’s collection of fictional stories; Grey has their art blog, writing on aromanticism and religion, and their aroallo journey they shared with us.