Loveless and Arospec Thoughts
Word count: 7300 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 30 mins
We asked those of you who don’t feel love and those of you who feel romantic love or engage in romantic love to tell us about it. The responses we received are as varied and as heartfelt as you can imagine.
There are countless labels for the aros who fit these descriptions: grayro, loveless, arospec, demi, aplantonic, nonamourous, aroflux, nonpartnering, and all the rest. Whether you identify with one of these labels, or could and don’t, we wanted to show you that you aren’t the only aro that feels the way you do.
The following is a collection of reader submitted narratives. They detail personal stories, thoughts, and feelings about identifying on the aromantic spectrum. Apart from general grammar edits, these submissions have been published as submitted, and as such be aware of discussions of romance and mental health.
Aplatonic, loveless, “hard-aro”, non-partnering, whatever my label is, being made other by the assumption that I must want a QPR in a community that is my home feels just as bad as the assumption that everyone wants to fall in romantic love.
I just really want to reinforce the idea of how absolutely vast and complex the Aro-spec umbrella is. Even though a lot of people have similar experiences (we are all under the same umbrella for a reason, right?) some things are treated as universal within our own community and then that informs alloromantic people.
I’m aromantic because I do not feel romantic attraction like an alloromantic person does. I also happen to be in the minority of an already small group by being deeply uncomfortable with commitment and the expectations and assumptions that are made about being in a “relationship” with someone, be it romantic or queerplatonic.
Yes, aro people can want a deeply committed QPR, yes QPRs are not the same as romantic relationships, but the “hey look at us good aros we can still have a committed relationship with someone, see we aren’t heartless at all! No, it’s not romantic but it’s still a committed partnership!” feels a lot like the same “under the bus throwing” as other people do to the aro community (love is love!). Aros can even want and be in a romantic relationship and are still 100% their aro-spec identity. That is fantastic. But it’s just not for me.
I don’t want a QPR, I don’t want a relationship or a commitment to any other person, romantic OR queerplatonic. I just want a community who knows how alienating it feels when a large group expects and assumes you want a relationship and commitment, regardless of what that relationship is.
- V
When people talk to me as an aromantic they're usually consoling like "oh I'm so sorry" and when I tell them I'm not they seem confused, but then a light seems to ping and they're like "well you're so full of love for others..." but here's the thing. I'm not. I don't experience love as most other people do. I do experience love but it's not all-encompassing, or deep, or passionate, and it's not for my friends, family, humanity, etc. It's for very few, select people, animals, and things.
The community of Loveless Aros is kind of where I fit but many of their conversations and posts I don't relate to either because they talk about never experiencing love, alienation, fear, etc. which I just don't relate to. You see, I do experience love, just to a very limited degree. In fact, I can name everything that I can be 100% sure I love right now. My best friend, my dad, my nephew, my kitten, Jesus (he was a really cool dude okay), trees, and the rain. That's it. That shortlist is everything that inspires in me feelings of deep affection.
When people talk about never experiencing love, I can't relate, but then other aros talk about the myriad of things they love and again, I can't relate. I'm caught in that space between loveless and full of love and it's kinda odd, but I'm still more at home with the loveless aros than I am with aros who experience love because at least the loveless aros never try to convince me I love more things than I'm comfortable saying I love.
And that's something that needs to change in our society. We are far too prone to telling people how we think they feel based on their behavior and it needs to stop. Because I'm a passionate anti-racist because I stand up for all kinds of disenfranchised groups, because I attempt to use my privilege (the privilege of being white, educated, and employed) to point out the struggles others experience people tell me I'm full of love, but I'm not. I'm full of compassion, and justice, and righteousness, I'm full of anger and I'm full of passion. My one goal in life is to do as much as I possibly can to create an equitable society, that desire is not born out of love as everyone tells me it is. It's born out of anger and frustration at witnessing the pain of others.
So, yeah, that's me a nearly loveless aro, who's compassionate and understanding of those aros who never experience love and whose personal opinion is that love isn't effing everything and we need to stop pretending it is.
- Erica
I realized I was aspec from a really young age, around 10 or 11 because I did not get crushes like other kids did. I first identified as ace since that’s all I knew then, but now I know I'm aroace. I’ve identified as aroace for about 8 years now, and while I personally feel a stronger connection to the aromantic side of my identity, I've found that my experiences as an aroace are inseparable, and I can't quite differentiate between what parts of my life are aromantic and what are asexual.
Being aromantic, especially as an aroace, feels really hard sometimes. I don’t relate to my peers when they talk about having a relationship or having crushes on others, or how they find certain celebrities attractive. Additionally, I’m nonamourous, and have absolutely no desire for a romantic, sexual or even queerplatonic relationship. It feels weird, seeing as I take great comfort in shipping fiction characters romantically, but can go into a panic thinking about that for myself. I also experience aesthetic attraction, although more with fictional characters rather than real people. Only just this year did I find my first “compallo” character to fixate on, and while I know my attraction to him is not real, It’s the closest I’ll probably feel to having any attraction of that sort for anyone.
I’d love to meet more arospec people in my life, especially other aroaces, seeing as our experiences are all similar but still very different. I want to find people like me who understand how I feel and think about relationships, and I hope there’s a future where society doesn’t center around romantic and sexual relationships so that people like me can feel like we belong, rather than being “wrong” or “broken”.
- Doop
The future for me being aromantic has so many possibilities! I’m really excited to see what life has next. Aromanticism and asexuality is something that I’ve become a lot more comfortable with throughout the years. I hope to become even more confident with my sexual and romantic identity. I plan to keep living on my own without any QPR relationships for my future. I like living on my own, living with other people - especially if they are romantic - is simply too emotionally exhausting for me. I like being independent, with a few good platonic relationships in my life. The future is wide open! Aromanticism and asexuality will always play a vital role in my life. (To more cake and garlic bread for the future!)
- butwhataboutemma
Important thing to know is that I’m aro-jump, and I feel a lack of romantic attraction a little more often than most people who are aro-jump probably would, and I’ve been very vocal about this fact to the important people in my life. But sometimes I feel like none of my allo friends even understand, not even my allo partner. I’m also ace-spec and sex-averse, so there are moments where I’m just so irritated with my partner when sex suddenly pops up in casual conversation combined with days I’m feeling little to no romantic attraction. I need to remind myself that’s it not their fault, that they’re trying their best, and that sometimes they forget and just needs a gentle reminder. But sometimes I just hate reminding them, sometimes I want to break things off with them.
And then sometimes as soon as the next day, my feelings completely change; I’ll feel totally infatuated with them. The whiplash I feel when I recall previous days where my romantic attraction was little-to-none make me feel oddly guilty at times. And unfortunately I feel not that many people in my support system can really understand what I go through.
I take pride in being a-spec, I take pride in being a part of the asexual community and I take pride in being a part of the aromantic community. But sometimes I wish I knew more people in all these communities like me so I could talk to someone with more experience and get advice.
- Coda
I am not quite sure where on the aromantic spectrum I fall. Fact is I am 26 and never even had a crush before. I had a few people I went on dates with in the past that I thought were conventionally attractive and nice people but when the date ended it just felt as if something was missing and that they would expect more than I could give.
At first I thought that I just wasn't ready yet or hadn't found the right person yet, it wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I heard of the label "aromantic". But even after finding this label it was hard for me to identify as such because I always wanted and dreamed of a romantic relationship, so I thought I couldn't possibly be aromantic. The mere thought of it made me depressed.
It wasn't until recently that I reevaluated my life and slowly I am coming to terms with being on the aromantic spectrum. Some days it is still hard for me because I do still sometimes yearn for a romantic relationship and experiencing this magical feeling so many books, movies and songs are about. On those days I feel so broken and scarred that I will never experience these kind of feelings and that I am somehow not fully human. The increasing visibility for the spectrum and outspoken advocates help ease some of my fears and help a lot in feeling less alone. I hope in the future our society won't put that much emphasis on love and sex as it does now and just let's people live their lives as they see fit.
- A. P. from Germany
I'm still trying to sort out the specifics of my romantic orientation and what I feel. I've been using aro and aro-spec for a while, but have considered frayromantic and/or fictoromantic as possible labels. Everything I've ever assumed to be a crush was towards a fictional character, but whenever I look back on them later, it's always more of a squish. I'm never sure if they've always been a squish that I mistook for a romantic crush or if it was a romantic crush that changed into a squish. I'd always seen romantic relationships as a "eh, it could be nice one day, but is it really necessary? No" type thing.
- Anon
I've wanted a partner for as long as I can remember. I've wanted someone to hold, to cuddle, to share an apartment with. Someone that holds me when I'm crying and someone to comfort when they’re upset. I always thought it'd have to be romantic. So I convinced myself that I loved boys. When that didn't work, I tried girls, and for a while, it seemed that I managed to lie to myself about being a lesbian. But recently, or not so recently if I'm being honest, I realized that yes, all these people are wonderful and I love them but I don't want them to be my partner that way.
I still want a person to hold hands with, but I can't seem to fall in love with anyone. And that's ok. Because I have my zucchini, and we're very much in platonic love. And maybe that person I was planning on sharing a house with doesn't need to sleep in my same bed, or kiss me on the lips and tell me romantic verses. I think I'll be ok with someone who tells me about their day with so much passion, and who plays with my hair while we watch movies. I think I'll be ok.
- Jester
Well I’m aroace, and I’m perfectly happy that way. I guess I’ve never really felt broken or anything, it’s just normal for me. I do experience aesthetic and platonic attraction, sometimes strong, but I don’t really think of it as “attraction” as such, it’s just a part of my life. I’m non partnering, in that friendship is the only close relationship I want. I’m not even sure if I want really close friends or more casual friends because I haven’t had many before. Ideally I’d like friends to have someone to talk to and do stuff, but I want to live by myself and I like being alone. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life, but I’d like to go travelling and try doing different stuff rather than really settling down, and I’ve always liked the idea of living on a sailing yacht and being able to go where I want, although I’m not really sure that will happen.
Anyway I don’t really mind the idea of being alone a lot of the time, although having friends to talk to would probably be nice. I’m not really sure whether I’m loveless or not, and I’m not really bothered by that at the moment, it doesn’t really seem relevant to my life. I guess it also depends on how you use that word. I’m not really comfortable with the word love being applied to me a lot of the time but sometimes I don’t really mind, maybe it just depends.
- Roger Walker
I'm aroace (and agender—a triple-A battery, if you will). I don't experience sexual attraction at all, I'm pretty sure I don't experience romantic attraction at all either, but I experience frankly intense amounts of platonic attraction (a fact that kept me from identifying as aro for a long, long time because I essentially equated being in a romantic relationship to being super-mega-friends but with more kissing involved) as well as aesthetic attraction (is it actually gender envy? Possibly!).
Honestly, I've never understood the idea of romantic attraction at all. Like, a lot of people have told me it's a desire to date another person, but what, fundamentally, separates a romantic date from a hanging out with a friend? You can go to movies with a friend, have dinners with them, and do literally any other romantically-coded activity with them—I’ll draw a line at kissing but that’s probably because of my asexuality—and it could still count as platonic?
I do vibe with the bi-oriented aroace label as well (side note: I wholeheartedly identified as bi for several months because everyone is pretty and I want to be friends with them, and I was under the misconception that romantic attraction just meant very intense platonic attraction and sexual attraction just meant very intense aesthetic attraction) but don't really use that label all that often.
As for alterous or queerplatonic attraction, I personally just classify them under platonic—even though I know they're different—and refrain from thinking too much about them because I'm already terrible at labelling my feelings and stuff gets too complicated for me at this point, but queerplatonic relationships sound absolutely IDEAL.
For me a qpr would probably involve sharing an apartment/house—but definitely not bedrooms, I like my personal space, thanks—and a lot of cuddling, bickering about obscure academic topics, and adopting at least two cats. I'm not sure if I'm polyamorous or not but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of more than one zucchini: that’s just more people to cuddle and infodump about dwarf planets at! But at the same time an ideal relationship for me would also grant all parties a large measure of independence.
I don’t currently have a relationship exactly like this, but I do have friends both irl and online that I love to death—there’s also this idiot who I half-jokingly plan on marrying for tax + citizenship purposes and honestly we might actually do just that—I’m already planning on moving to aer country (the person’s pronouns are ae/aer) for higher education so it works out perfectly—but we don’t label our relationship as a qpr (yet?).
As for my fears or worries, while marriage itself—as in the legal institution—is an okay prospect in and of itself, the societally expected idea of marriage? That TERRIFIES me. My parents’ marriage and the patriarchy's expectations of women (I’m AFAB) might be more responsible for this than my aromanticism, but I’m not kidding when I say it sounds like a cage. Like, let’s just remove all gendered roles as well as the prospect of sex or having children from the get go—even small things like sharing a bedroom or most personal belongings (clothes are okay though), or having to check with your s/o before making every decision sound… really bad. Plus I’m from a country where arranged marriages are still pretty much the norm which makes it infinitely worse—that’s one of the biggest reasons I’m so desperate to get away from my family and country, honestly.
Like I would probably marry a qpp but only because married people get financial and social advantages: if that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t even think about it. I have a lot more to say on the subject but this has already crossed already six-hundred words so I’m going to leave it here. Sorry if I rambled too much! <3
- Aster
I'm aro or as I call myself a heartless bastard😂. I apparently was sort of blatantly aro as a kid as I didn't want romance for myself. For most of my relationships the other person said they were into me. Otherwise I didn't really have crushes. Didn't even fantasize about being married. I found the word Aromantic at age 19 and since then the only time I feel bad about it is when romance is viewed as a rite of passage or when I lose a friend because they are busy with their partner. Sometimes I feel forever young due to a mixture of being aro and my interests. However, at the same time I'm happy because my life is free of the burdens many face. For example I have never been cheated on and have no unwanted kids. Artistically I feel colorblind when I write of romance as I can't understand it. Sometimes I wear being aro as a badge of honor because I see a lot of problems brought by lust and romance. I'm 25 and have seen one healthy marriage my entire life. It looks like an unwanted burden but I try not to go around with my nose in the air.
- Daniel
As someone who is both asexual and aromantic (and who struggles to connect with people in platonic/queerplatonic ways too), my identity often feels like a double edged blade. Sometimes I feel thankful for not having to deal with typical allo experiences like romantic heartbreak, unrequited love, etcetera. But many other times, it feels like a curse.
No matter how many positive messages regarding my attraction I read, sometimes I wish I could just "give it up" and be able to experience what love actually feels like. Rationality speaking, I know that romance is not a requirement to have a fulfilling relationship, or to live a happy life. But humans are known for wanting what they can't have, aren't they? Sometimes I feel that in this (needed) sea of positivity, feelings like these are rarely addressed in aspec spaces.
On top of that, I really would like to explore my sexuality since I have a pretty high libido and vivid fantasies. And while being aroace doesn't stop you from living a full and healthy sex life, it does have an impact, at least for me. How am I supposed to enjoy such actions if I'm unable to feel anything (romantic or sexual) for the person I'm sharing my time with? It's common to see the phrase "aros/aces are not missing out because of their lack of attraction", but I do feel that way. Sometimes it's frustrating to know that you want to experience something so pleasurable for many, but you're just incapable of doing so. Of course not all my days as an aroace are so blue, and I take a lot of pride in my identity! But, sometimes, it happens.
- Anon
I knew I was aroace before I knew the words for it. The first inklings that I was different was when ideas of romance began to pervade the worlds of my classmates in eighth grade. People started dating and shipping one another, and not only could I not comprehend the idea of doing so, but I was deeply uncomfortable with it. When these feelings were expressed, people mocked me for it. I didn’t even believe romantic attraction was a thing until eighth grade. I thought that the idea of romantic love was something made up for books. I knew I was different, but I didn’t know why or how.
Learning the term asexual made the world right for a moment, but not for long. Because asexual posts talked endlessly about how lack of sexual attraction did not prevent one from loving. And that wasn’t me. Somehow, I was still different. But learning the term aromantic made the world right once more. More specifically, I’m bi oriented aroace, even more specifically, originally sex repulsed before becoming aegosexual, but still definitely romance repulsed. I support aros who still want a romantic relationship, but I could not want it any less for myself.
I identify as bi oriented aroace to cover my aesthetic attraction, which is strong enough for me to wish to put a label on it as well, as well as another attraction that I have no name for. I do not know how to describe this other mystery attraction, only that no existing terms used to describe attraction and love I have ever encountered has fit it before. It is not a platonic, romantic, sexual, nor sensual. It is not a sense of protectiveness nor is it looking up to someone nor is it a sense of idol worship. It was actually for this other mystery form of attraction that made me go searching for a way to describe it and stumble across the oriented aroace label.
I do not understand what in the world is romantic attraction. What is the difference between liking someone romantically and liking someone platonically? I detest posts that declare two characters must be in love with each other because clearly they care about each other deeply because oftentimes, the examples they list are things I’m willing to do for my friends. I will follow my friends to the ends of the world if they ask, support them through the hardest of times, walk through hell for them. Love is not exclusively romantic. “My partner is my best friend” is a phrase I hear often and I’m endlessly frustrated by that statement. I know that there is a difference between romantic and platonic attraction because I feel one and not the other, but that statement seems to imply that there isn’t, that a romantic partner is simply someone who you feel more platonic attraction to than others.
Throw sexuality into romantic attraction, and I am further confused. How can you feel romantic attraction to only one gender? I have never heard of platonic attraction being limited by genders, and if both are based on something internal and not external, so why does one have a stopper and one doesn’t? Yet, somehow, my lack of understanding of romantic attraction does not confuse me at all on whether or not I feel it. Perhaps it’s because I’m touch adverse. I do not feel sensual attraction, I do not get the urge to kiss or cuddle (in fact I’m actively repulsed by the idea of those activities), and those things are very much linked to romance in my head. (But they’re not romantic attraction still, are they? They’re part of sensual attraction, and so I still do not know what romantic attraction is).
I have three visions of my future: either I live alone, I live with a queer platonic partner, or I live with many queer platonic partners in a poly queer platonic relationship. The last one is actually something I envisioned for myself in elementary school. I do not currently have a preference for any of the three visions. I do not have even a single person who I could possibly be in a queer platonic relationship with, let alone multiple, and frankly, I have too much trauma attached with relationships at the moment to live with anyone the future. I know that I must first live alone before even begin contemplating the other two choices.
Furthermore, I doubt that I would ever find someone I would wish to be in a app with. I already have a difficult time making friends, and I also feel disconnected to the idea of humanity, so I do not believe that I can ever find someone I feel compatible enough to attend a app with. But I fantasize about the other two visions, being in either a monogamous or poly qpr. I crave human connection desperately and I feel platonic love very strongly. Even with trust issues attached to that love. Speaking of trauma, I have no idea if my aromanticism is influenced by it or if I was born this way, and frankly, I have no need to know nor do I think it would change anything. I am proud to be aro and I do not care what made me aro. Is it a hormone imbalance, is it brain deficiency, is it a DNA mutation, I do not care about any of that. I like being aro and would never wish to fix it.
- Anon
"Loveless and full of love at the same time" I am a person naturally drawn to warmth. I am someone who prefers warm days over cold ones; I am someone who prefers bathing in the sun rather than staying in the shadows; I am someone who wears sweaters in the summer; I am someone whose favorite food is a simple beef soup based solely on the fact that it warms me up well.
It's the same with relationships, I suppose. People often describe me as a cold and withdrawn person, but people I've entered relationships with have always described me as someone who sought out the warmth of their interactions instead of themselves. It began with my first relationship and it went far too fast for fifteen year old me to handle. It was a burst of sparks in the eyes of others but I didn't feel anything when it came to my first partner. It felt hollow, no matter how much I cared for them. We ended up breaking up when I decided to push them away.
The same thing happened with my other relationships. I cared for them and I loved being with them, but I couldn't feel myself actually loving them. I could tell there was a stark difference in how they all felt towards me and how my actual feelings were. In the end, I realized I only enjoyed the actions that came with a romantic relationship. I liked kissing, holding hands, hugging them, thinking about settling down with them—but my love is something I cannot give to any romantic partner.
I'm aromantic. I'm aromantic. It took a while to accept this, and even today, I still struggle with the usage of this term. Am I really aro? Or do I have commitment issues? (deep down, I know the truth but it's still hard to say, isn't it?) I'm still looking to date people though, but I make it clear that I will most likely never reciprocate what they might give me (I've met people who are okay with this but we end up breaking up and that's fine with me). I want to settle down one day with someone beside me, but that person is someone I cannot give my love to. If they love me, they'll have to accept that my feelings have a limit to them. I will hold their hands, kiss them and hold them but my heart belongs to me and me only. It might be a selfish wish but in the end, that's all it is right now. A wish.
- Luca
I am a loveless non-sam aro and I don't feel love at all. While lovelessness, from how I understand it, isn't about the amount or types of love you feel or don't but more about the removal of love as a necessary component to being good, it's still, to me, very comforting in my "relationship with love," if you could call it that. I do however feel sexual attraction to a certain extent so that's a very fun combo. Lovelessness is what helped me figure that out.
Things might change in the future of course but for now these labels are what feel best to use, closest to home if you will. As for the future, it is kinda worrisome with that combo, trying to navigate a society where the expectation is you're either in a romantic relationship, just out of a romantic relationship or waiting to get into one. Especially living where the culture is different, not in a bad way, just different. What I might want for my future is incompatible with what's acceptable, even is a taboo. So I have many fears in regards to the future, to want the independance and to be able to live life the way you want while maybe not being able to get there, not the most comforting of thoughts if you ask me.
There's also the fear of acceptance by other queer folks, is the life that I want to lead and the relationships I want to have gonna be too different even for them? Am I gonna find the kind of acceptance inside the wider lgbtq+ community. Or even inside the aro community? The answer for the time being is leaning slightly towards the negative. To end this on a slightly high note, I'm gonna talk about hopes and dreams. I hope for an apartment, or house or just any living situation with friends, a few cats even. Someplace safe and filled with life, I’m talking maximalism babey! I want friendships, Friends with benefits, even one marriage/divorce for tax reasons and the laughs. Mostly I just dream of acceptance and happiness in all my aspects.
- Z
Romance has always been confusing to me. How is friendship not the same as the "Relationship"? Why is being friends not enough? I used to be scared over the prospect of losing my friends when they found a partner. I used to be uncomfortable with the idea of using marriage to secure a priority lane. Not anymore. I now know that I don't have to be.
What I wanted wasn't marriage or a priority lane - which won't be healthy anyway. Instead, it's trust, support, and acceptance. And I didn't need a romantic relationship for that.
I wished that the exploration of sex outside of the boundaries of romantic relationship didn't have such a stigma, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy. When any mention of sex was a taboo, it's difficult to learn about consent, communication, and boundaries in the context of sex. Now I am repulsed, my mind haunted by the taboo, so much that the Wanting and the Not Wanting blurred into each other.
Besides, it was already difficult explaining to people about aromantic. Sex without romance? That's too much work. The relationship that I wanted does not lie in rules and restrictions set by others long before me, from another culture. The culture of my race is not perfect, but I appreciate how, in Confucianism, love is not just a feeling. It's simply different from the Western concept of love in a way I couldn't fully describe.
In online context, I'm loveless. In my cultural context, it's complicated. It's difficult to admit not feeling love when I'm expected to. But I'm glad to have come out to my friends, who accepted me nevertheless. They gave me support when I needed, and vice versa. And this is the relationship I wanted, or at least it's in the right direction.
- nzc
I don't feel any form of attraction or any form of love. I thought I did for a while, cycled through lots of labels. First straight, then ace? Then aroace but at least I still feel aesthetic attraction, at least I still feel platonic attraction, at least I want a QPR at least I love my friends and family, at least at least at least but no, I was wrong. I realised I've never felt anything special towards anyone. There is no reaction beyond the opinions of my conscious mind. No difference between like and love, attraction and no attraction.
I always thought I'd have a partner because how would you function without one? Who will kill the spiders and help me when I'm sick and spontaneously go out to dinner with me? But despite wishing I could have someone to do those things the thought of having a partner repulsed me. Someone living in my house? Someone who I need to check up on and care for them and their feelings? No thanks.
I still have friends, and enjoy having friends but those relationships aren't anything special. My friends are people who I enjoy talking to and make plans to talk again. I equally enjoy talking to acquaintances and strangers, there's just less inside jokes. When my friends leave me I'm not "heartbroken" as I've heard others are, sometimes I don't even notice. I'm not really sure what this all means for my future, I'm a little scared to find out. What I do know is I will be happiest on my own, so I'll take that knowledge and go from there.
- Tuesday
I've always been a pretty solitary kid. I grew up without any siblings and minimum parental oversight, so I was pretty used to being alone. But that was a different kind of alone, the kind that you're ok with. The kind where it's willing and voluntary, but realizing I'm aroace was a new form of alone. When I first found the term "asexual" I thought that could be me, but I also thought I was bisexual so I wasnt sure. When I first found the term aromantic, I thought it was extreme and hey I experience romantic attraction- of course I do! So that obviously can't be me.
But it took me a few months before I realized that that is me. That when my mom talked about marriage and it left me feeling empty, it wasn't because I was a woman fighting against patriarchal ideals, but because I had no connection to that idea of romantic monogamous love.
When you say you're aroace, people are usually confused or sad for you or really just think you're celibate and confused. The more I became comfortable with identifying as aroace, the more I understood what that new reality would look like for me. Lonely would be a good description, but not a fair one. I have friends and family and pets and hobbies, yet I still feel like I'm lacking something. I know I shouldn't, I should feel complete and happy, because I dont know any asexual/aromantic people so I have to be the spokesperson for everyone I know.
So I have to lie and say I'm perfectly fine, that being aroace doesn’t limit my experiences. Even though I wish I knew more aspec people, even though I sometimes want to vent or talk to someone about my aroace related feelings and I cant because no one would really understand. Every other queer identity has a space for the most part. Every other identity has a community, people they can go and relate to. I may have grown up alone but I want the future to be different for aspec people. I want us to have a thriving community where no one feels alone. And I know it's possible, which is why even when I feel like there's no one else in the whole world like me, I stop and take a breath and tell myself that there are people like me. There's a whole world of people like me and soon enough we'll all be able to see each other and no one will be alone again.
- Ash
I've never been in love. I've never had a crush. I'm not sure I'm even able to feel love for another person. I'm not even able to say that I love my friends or family. I feel something for them, sure. But calling this love feels wrong. I'd want a qpr kind of relationship but I feel like there are some problems. Finding someone I like who likes me back. Who is compatible with me. Who accepts and likes me for who I am. But I need to be able to accept those feelings (which I am not) and I need to like that person back like that. I don't think this is possible for me. Seeing friends enter romantic relationships makes me feel lonely, lost and a bit angry. It seems like I'll be forever alone and that frightens me.
- Nic
I'm aro-spec and it was hard to swallow at first. I'm a hopeless romantic, in the fictional sense. I'm a writer who loves consuming and creating romantic material. I personally have trouble telling apart attractions in general. I don't find that I can think of anything that I visualize as inherently romantic in any way. Commitment, kissing, whatever, I just never framed it as inherently for one thing or another. But even as a kid I got so worried when I found I didn't have crushes like my peers did, or relationships. I was scared when I first even considered the possibility, because I thought that meant that I'd never be in love, never have that relationship, never have a partner.
Now I've come to understand that even if I don't fall in love the way I was taught or have relationships exactly the way I'm expected to, that's totally okay. I personally really like the word love, though I don't begrudge anyone who doesn't. I love watching romance and seeing characters really care for each other. I look forward to any partners I may have in whatever capacity in the future (I'm also polyamorous). My feelings may be complicated, but I know now that I'm going to figure it out and I feel more free now, knowing that I can make the relationships I want with whatever feelings I do have, once I found out I could break those social norms.
For me, aro-spec means that my attraction isn't like those of alloromantics, that it's a bit more messy and different and blended. But despite the challenges I face and will face later, I'm honestly proud now to have figured out that was a helpful label for me.
- Shine
As a child, I struggled with mental illness and bullying. As the type of person who could never think of anything to say in a social context, I wondered if something was wrong with me and others bullied me for the problem. Building strong friendships has always been a problem for me. Although I tried to date, I never felt like it was right for me. I think I really have felt asexual and aromantic since I was 11. Now that I'm in my late 30s, I look back and feel like I have come to accept myself for who I am and would not want to change anything about my asexual and aromantic side.
While struggling with the stigma of mental illness, I have come to love the freedom of living alone, being able to move when I need to and where I need to for a job, and the freedom to plan to live my life as I please. Seeing others struggle with work/life balance who are in relationships has made me realize that not being in a relationship has always been the right choice for me.
- Rachel
For starters, I'm aromantic. Never have experienced romantic attraction, probably never will. I'm aegosexual, in that I the instant I (sexually) fantasize about myself, someone I know, or even a fictional character that I'm aware exists in a genuine piece of media - I'm disgusted and cannot pair that with pleasure. I am attracted to people in other ways - platonic, alterous and aesthetic - and most times I don't care for the presence of another at all. I'm considering the term aplatonic.
I have ideas of a future. A tiny house to myself, decorated the way I like, perhaps with a job at the local library and attending a dance class on certain days; quietly helping people with books one day and happily working out the other, interested and connecting with people but not needing anyone. I don't, for that matter. Require anyone, that is.
I'd love to form new connections and check in with those I care about, but when I come back home I'd love for it to be nothing but myself and what I like. People may find this lonely. They’re my loveliest dreams, however, to me. My greatest fear would probably be people forcing themselves on me. Whether it be romantic or sexual advances, family members continually trying to inquire about my life, or friends using up my social battery, I want nothing of it. It's suffocating and uncomfortable, and while flattering at times only serves to upset everyone involved when I have to outright reject them.
The other thing I’d hate would be for my hopes, my dreams, and how I want to live my life to be brushed aside by a therapist or a coworker convinced that I either need meds or just need a partner and then I’ll be ‘fixed’. My identity and labels mean everything to me. I thought myself a freak. Broken. Untreatable. Had something wrong with my body, my head, my soul. An uncaring, hateful individual, who neither contributed to society nor should live. But I, in and of myself, am not something negative. I care in my own manner. I'll sit with someone who needs to rant. I'll avoid stepping on ants as I walk. I'll say thank you as much as possible so that maybe I might switch up someone's shitty day. I’ll type in anonymously to an online form in case someone out there needs to hear what I say.
I am still worthy, as I am, of living. As someone who may not marry, may not have kids, may not get in touch with friends often and quite honestly doesn't want to, for any of those. At the very least, to anyone who's convinced they're a monster for not feeling romantic attraction - you aren't. There are people like you moving on with their lives just fine, and you don't need that in your life to have a fulfilling one. You’re the one living your life anyway. To anyone reading this, take care of yourself.
- Anon