The Aros Left Behind: the Arospec
Written by the AUREA team
Word count: 3100 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 11 mins
Aromantic is commonly understood to mean “feels no romantic love or attraction”. And while this is true for some, this is not true for all. Being aromantic does not exclude you from feeling or experiencing or receiving romantic love.
We’ve interviewed three people who in some shape or form have a relationship with romance. They use varying terminology to describe themselves (and not necessarily arospec), have different definitions of love and attraction, and want different things out of life. They are all aromantic and proud.
Introducing
Tell us a bit about your identity.
A (he/him)
Alloaro in my mind doesn't have much significance outside of a-spec communities. It is simply a combination of allosexual aromantic, meant to highlight that we aren't asexual, as a lot of people assume that all aromantics are asexual as well. I also identify as bisexual. Well, kind of. If you want to get technical I think 'abrosexual' would fit, and I don't really use the "bisexual" label much when describing myself in my head, I just prefer calling myself 'half straight, half gay' because that more accurately describes me. Anyway, this is an aro focused interview. Should probably focus on that! I've identified as aro for about a year.
I do not identify as cupo-, demi-, grey-, or anything like that, if that's what you're asking. I find 'aromatic' does the job well enough.
Altair (she/her)
I am aromantic asexual (yet questioning if demisexual), lesbian, and I am in a long-distance relationship (Europe) with my female partner (USA). We are to begin our life together soon, after spending four years in an extremely peaceful and loving relationship.
While this is not an easy question to reply to when you are in love and engaged, the best description I have found for myself is that of a romo-positive aromantic - exactly like asexual people can be sex-positive. Aside from a couple of circumstances I will clarify in a later answer, I never felt romantic attraction, nor I did ever truly feel the need or wish to be in a relationship. I thought it would never happen; it was an unforeseen gift that I never longed for, but am happy with. I did not have crushes, teenage flings or any other emotional tie of the romantic kind before. When I got into our relationship and tried to define myself as demiromantic, it felt extremely uncomfortable and untrue to my feelings. In other words, I am aro but alright with being in a romantic engagement - I am neutral about it, and I am not bothered by the fact it is assigned some expectations or standards. After all, the two of us are the only ones in control of our own relationship, and that is enough for us both to be at ease.
Neir (ey/em)
I identify as broadly arospec. To me, that means sometimes shifting around the aro spectrum but never quite going outside of it. I like to use the word aroflux to capture the rapidly fluxing fluid feelings, because they can come up on me from out of nowhere. (Eir tumblr account).
Attraction
Let’s talk about attraction.
A (he/him)
I feel sexual attraction, that's plain enough for me to see. As for romantic attraction, I believe I have felt it in the past but do not now for some reason. I know I do not feel queerplatonic attraction either, though platonic attraction is up for debate, but I honestly do not care about it very much.
I am currently in a romantic relationship with a bi poly enby, and my aromanticism has affected them. They say that it has been strange dating an aro person. I'd say knowing that has affected me some.
I do experience occasional delusions, one of them being that random people I see are in love with me romantically. This can be very distressing, the idea of being an object of romance in someone's mind just... doesn't sound very good.
Altair (she/her)
I never really seeked romance or felt romantic attraction as an instinctive, powerful feeling, and even less so in the way people describe it to be (butterflies, intense emotions when seeing another's face, visceral reactions of any kind). My approach to love has been very peaceful and balanced in both the situations I have lived through - the time when I did not care for it at all, and the present where I simply exist in it. Before my relationship, I lived my days completely unconcerned with romance, and thoroughly annoyed by how expected it was of me; but I will get into this topic in the next answer. When the time came, I realized that I just loved my SO enough to comfortably slip into the stage of "this is the person I will spend my life with". While my SO felt genuine romantic attraction for me before we got together, I really did not, and just existed in the blissful state of being at peace with her. Despite this, I was the one who asked to be together: it just felt right, like the only description that fit us.
From the beginning, our relationship had that kind of emotional peace that most people claim is "mature love": there was no honeymoon phase, no period of illusions or rose-tinted glasses. We were happy being with each other from the start, and decided to be together for the rest of our days. It is also important to specify that I am a lesbian and I always knew I was; I knew that, in the extremely remote chance a relationship would happen, I would never touch a man with a ten foot pole. Trauma is present, but I guarantee it has nothing to do with my orientation. I simply knew I would never have anything close to romance with someone who wasn't a woman.
Neir (ey/em)
I feel love, put broadly. Sometimes it's very clearly platonic or familial love, sometimes it's very clearly aesthetic attraction, and very occasionally it's alterous attraction. But one thing all those loves have in common is being "a lot." I've lost count of how many times my affection has been mistaken for romantic interest, how many times I've been told I must be in denial about my identity for being so openly loving and interested in emotionally intense relationships. My repulsion for romance changes day to day, but even the time I did feel romantic attraction and tried to pursue romance, that was labelled as "a lot," "very intense" by alloromantic standards. Something about what I feel is not how others feel these feelings. That's the thought I often have, and it makes me very wary of starting new relationships of any kind. I end up filtering myself very often or end up in conflict where I have to re-explain things over and over. That said, with the right people, I have beautifully close relationships and form lifelong bonds with incredible individuals.
Expectations
What is expected of you?
A (he/him)
I feel that I am expected to base my life around romantic love. And I dislike those expectations extremely. It seems as if many people see romance and love as the end goal, that when they find love they will finish this book and begin the sequel. In my story, love is a minor plot point. I do not care if it happens. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I don't understand why people seek it out so much.
I also feel like my family pushes me to be in relationships. When I visit my grandmother, for example, the first thing she asks me is "Do you have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? Are you dating anyone?" (Yes, all three, my family is relatively progressive). I just find that annoying.
Altair (she/her)
Let's be real: the idea of romance society has is incredibly messed up for everyone. It is marred by gender roles, gender inequality, power imbalances and the nonsense of strict social boundaries. This was the only example I had of romance for most of my life, and I always dreaded the day I would inevitably "fall in love with a man and have kids" - neither of which I wanted remotely. As an aro lesbian, romance (and especially romance with men) felt like a terrible destiny, pushed onto me by my gender. As a child I had traumatic experiences with being pursued romantically by male children, with the adults approving and reading the harassment as normal; the abandonment and existential fear this instilled into me made the idea of romance even more alien and repulsive, which I felt matched my aro nature and my disgust of media portrayals. In my teenage years, while I was naturally also gay and closeted, my lack of romantic attraction kept me from your average lesbian awakening experience; I watched my LGBT friends crush on others, suffer and come out from a strange position, both as an insider and outsider. Like in asexuality, I thought romantic attraction was highly exaggerated and made up. I could enjoy love stories that felt convincing, but they were so rare I was sure love was an unattainable ideal people were ruining their own lives trying to achieve. With this conviction being present since childhood, and a fierce rejection of what others wanted for me, I lived at ease with myself until I entered my own relationship. More on this later.
Before I close the societal topic, I want to add that there were maybe two or three times in my life when I felt some kind of "romantic" attraction in the sense people discuss it. I am also sure 99.9% of it was comphet. Those moments all coincided with extreme states of loneliness and abandonment, and were all geared towards people that at the time I identified as friendly, inoffensive and trustworthy cis men. I am pretty sure this forced "romance" is not dissimilar from the comphet experience of our gay siblings: societally induced, fleeting feelings for people of genders they are not attracted to. Only one of these brief instances was more profound and sincere, closer to the demiromantic experience: it was with a close trans female friend whom still did not realize she was even trans. Being a lesbian, I was hugely confused and loathed the idea of dating a "man" anyway; while I did relish the fantasy of being "socially acceptable" a bit, it was not what I wanted, and that smothered any feelings I had very quickly. We remained friends just as before for a time and eventually went our separate ways, for completely different reasons than the supposed feelings. Even so, brief and inconsistent as it was, I consider it the first time I fell in love in some kind of way. I hope this story gives validation not only to confused aros, but also to all our trans sisters - you are women and we know even when no one knows!
Neir (ey/em)
Society expects me to perform romance in a particular way. It can't be too little, or too much, or too traditional, or too non-traditional. It's wildly inconsistent, both saying that my feelings are 'too romantic' to be anything but and that my preferences for relationships are too unconventional or selfish or disrespectful. I often just disregard whatever society's telling me and try to define things myself. I regularly problematize and bend the line between platonic and romantic. Otherwise I sit in anger and hurt.
Listen carefully
What would you like the aro community to know?
A (he/him)
I swear, [this] doesn't make me less aro. If anything, it makes me realize how aro I actually am. I have to hold back saying "deez nuts" whenever my girl/boyfriend says "I love you". It just proves to me how alien romance is to my brain. Also, people may assume that our entire relationship is based on sexual things, but it is not, although it was a large motivator in me agreeing to the relationship.
Altair (she/her)
Being a romo aro is not an easy position to comprehend even when you are in it. It is a life of contradictions in many ways. I feel like my relationship is second nature to me, and truly the source of my life's greatest happiness; but I also feel different and alienated when people, including my SO, describe their own romo experiences. It happens to me with my beloved partner to this day; she will have emotions and feelings towards me that I cannot reciprocate or understand, and I have needed to come to terms with my own truth in order to be truly free and fulfilled. I know there are some things I will never experience, and it is okay; it does not make me any less of a loving partner. Do not forget that, eventually, you and your own feelings have the final say in who you really are. Key is communication, honesty and comfort; only in these feelings can self-acceptance blossom, whether you will be in love or not.
Neir (ey/em)
Romance is so varied and difficult to pin down, because how we label feelings depends on how we language. And how we language depends on where and how we've grown. Our cultures, our neurotypes, our socializations, all of those things and more can contribute to how we define things. At the end of the day, I'd like the aro community to know that deconstructing romance means something different in different contexts and to different people. It's not an aro-only experience, and I think it would be amazing to follow up on that.
WHAT WE CAN LEARN
We asked the interviewees what they would like to discuss and each of them shared life experiences and valuable insight.
A on dating and love being traumatic:
I did have one serious relationship before this one, where I was dating a boy on tumblr I'll call R. I loved him, he loved me, we did cutesy stuff, blah blah blah. Very fun. Slowly we started talking less, until one day he just stopped responding. That hurt me. I'm still afraid of that happening again with friends (note: please, no one say anything negative about him, I hold no anger or grudges about this).
Another experience I had was in middle school, a person there was madly in love with me, and though I did not identify as aromantic at the time I was not interested. But they kept making advances, they wrote love songs about me and would send friends poems about my eyes. It was creepy and downright objectifying. I feel it scared me away from devotion, in a way.
One thing I don't see addressed in aro communities is the prevalence of divorce in communities/families and any impact that could have on romantic attraction. In my family, all of my grandparents have divorced and remarried at least once. Also, I grew up seeing my parents break up and get together again a lot. Maybe these contribute to my aromanticism.
I like to think that these experiences are a large part of why I'm aro, not that I'm born this way, although I'm sure others are.
Altair on how being engaged and aromantic intersect:
The cocktail of unusual circumstances I find myself in as a person messed with my emotions very deeply. The idea of being in my relationship made me feel like a liar for several years after I entered it; I felt like I was a bad partner, lacking affection and love for my SO. In order to be at peace, I had to reject what society considered normal. I fully embraced the idea I would forever be unable to feel the butterflies in my stomach, while existing in a loving relationship which lacks nothing. Even if people do not get it, this is my reality. My wonderful SO is extremely available to listen and understand; I am sure that, with communication, there is nothing that can't be overcome. Still, my situation is so peculiar that I find it hard to describe in words how these concepts intersect. Just as it happens in many cases, such as with neurodivergencies, I think the perspective is skewed by what is considered to be normal. Being in a loving relationship and being aromantic are not contradictory ideas, they are simply an existing psychological situation that diverges from the perceived usual and is not recognized as standard. We still live in a tyrannical society which keeps cataloguing and restraining the immense diversity of human experience. Those who care enough should remind themselves constantly: not everyone feels and wants "universal" experiences in the same way. I may not be able to put my own feelings in words in a more accurate way than this, but I do not need to. All you need to know is only you can decide what makes you happy. Listen to yourself, and see what your heart wants.
Neir on building relationships:
My successful experiences with traditionally romantically-coded things have been precisely when I didn't have to call them romantic, or when it was understood by others that my way of doing and feeling romance (at least what I personally defined as romance) was different just by virtue of my aro identity. I do romance in an aro way, even when I have felt romantic attraction and wanted to pursue a romantic relationship.
One thing I've noticed is that some of my alloromantic friends have been very respectful of my identity, and showed a surprisingly comprehensive understanding of how it can work, considering they don't share my feelings. It's true that in my interactions with aromantics, I've been better understood than in my interactions with alloromantics. However, I've been learning that with the right alloromantic allies, I can build very meaningful mutual allyships. I want to bring this forward because this nuance has been crucial to preventing devastating conflict in my relationships. If someone genuinely wants to be supportive, they will be. People can have very good intentions but still harbour unchecked internalized biases. In my experience, that has been the most hurtful kind of microaggression, because it wasn't active aggression in the first place. Being aro and building emotionally deep relationships, together, are "a lot." But if you're like me, and you're also "a lot," it can work wonders.
WHO WE ARE
Romance and aromantic spaces can be at odds at times. Some of us want an escape from romance and others need an aromantic space to discuss romance. We hope you took something away from these interviews. The aromantic community is working to recognise all the different ways to be aromantic and whether you feel romantic love or not, you belong.
If you’d like to read more, check out our companion piece The Aros Left Behind: the Arospec and a collection called Loveless and Arospec thoughts.