Meet the fic writer with some meta about the world
Written by the AUREA Team
Word count: 2493
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
“I wish society would teach kids that while romance can be very, very important, it's also optional.”
Figuring out who you are is a monumental task. Trying to make out a clear image of yourself can be like looking at your reflection in a window, a sunny day shining brilliantly behind. And no matter the dilemma or concept so much of our understanding comes from an outside perspective. This is how your family feels, this is how your friends feel, this is what the media tells us. Where do you fit into that mess of contradictions?
Alex speaks in a way that makes you think: “Oh, she knows what she wants.” As the creator of the alloaro flag and the concept ‘voidpunk’, you won’t be surprised to hear that she is a well known and well respected member of the community. Alex has proven, time and time again, to be a voice that is both candid and relatable. In the interview to follow you’ll see how passion fuels insight.
Alex in the Metropolitan Museum of Art's American wing in New York City. On the right is a marble sculpture of Cleopatra on top of a pedestal, reclining and looking thoughtful with one breast exposed, carved by William Wetmore Story. Alex is leaning towards the statue and smiling. She is short, with wavy dark hair that's partially bleached. She's wearing a dark green and gold lolita dress with ancient Egyptian cat motifs, and carrying a black winter coat in her arms. Behind her and Cleopatra is a wall of stone blocks with a window.
My name is Alex, better known by the online handle arotaro. I'm a 22-year-old aromantic bisexual woman from Connecticut, USA. I'm half Puerto Rican, I'm pagan, and I have ADHD and ARFID. My biggest passion is basically just media consumption- I love reading comics, watching TV, and playing games, analyzing their stories, and discussing them with other fans. I've also been writing fanfiction pretty much since I was old enough to talk!
What does aromanticism mean to you?
My aromanticism is a huge part of my identity. Of every identity and label that makes up me, it's honestly second only to my ADHD in how much it affects my daily life and how I interact with the world. I do take pride in my identity, but in an ideal world, it probably wouldn't be nearly as big a deal to me. Because aromanticism is so at odds with an integral part of society, I'm constantly forced to confront it.
Do you remember discovering the word aromantic?
I think I was about fourteen or so when I learned the word "aromantic". I was a member of an LGBTQ+ group on a small online forums for kids and teens, and this was back in the days before the "ace discourse", so people talked about aspec identities and other SAM identities just as freely as they talked about any other queer identity, but... Nobody ever told me that you could be aromantic and not asexual. I didn't learn that until I was about 18 or so. So I guess you could say I knew about the term "aromantic" as young teen, but I understood it to be a type of asexual.
What was your relationship with romance in the past? And now?
Before I realized that it was possible to be aro and not ace, I... Honestly was really lost. I thought something was wrong with me. I knew so many labels, and none of them fit me- I wasn't straight, I wasn't a lesbian, I wasn't bi, ace, pan, demi, whatever, as far as I was concerned I was just a freak who couldn't use labels. I had no identity to be proud of or anyone to claim kinship with. I felt very alone and disconnected from my peers, and I also thought something was very wrong with me because I was (insert age here) and I hadn't had my First Crush™ yet. It was an awful time.
On a slightly lighter note, before I started identifying as aro, I was really into shipping- But I'd always say "Oh, I don't care if they're dating or just friends, I just really like seeing these two together!", and I always found myself very uncomfortable with ships involving the characters I most related to. As I started identifying as aro, I went from having a ship for every character, to preferring gen content but begrudgingly tolerating ships if it meant seeing my favorite characters, to very much not wanting anything to do with shipping. The fact that fandom culture so strongly revolves around shipping is, honestly, a huge barrier to me being able to enjoy my hobbies.
What does the community do for you?
The aro community provides me with support, and a sense of not being alone. It has allowed me to connect with friends who are like me, which is a huge relief in a world where few others understand how I feel.
How would you like to see the community change and/or grow?
I would definitely, of course, like to see the aro community become more accepting of allosexual aros, but I would also very much like to see the aro community gain more of a presence in outside society. I want to work towards awareness and acceptance of aromanticism from alloromantic society. At the end of the day, all the infighting in the world won't solve the fact that everyone else thinks we're insane. That being said, allo aro acceptance is inseparably intertwined with this, because you cannot advocate for aro rights if you're only advocating for aromanticism in the context of asexuality.
How did you end up on the panel for Human Rights Conference? How did you like it?
I won't get into it too much because it's over now, but TAAAP... Made some mistakes in early 2019 that specifically were harmful to allo aros, and I was one of the people who spoke up about it the most. TAAAP reached out to me to learn more, one thing led to another, and I wound up getting invited to the panel to provide a voice for allo aros. Fortunately, I live just two hours away from NYC by train, so it was a perfect opportunity.
I definitely enjoyed the experience, especially since it was my first time interacting with the LGBTQ+ community offline. I did get some uncomfortable questions from the audience, but overall I think it was a positive experience.
Are you looking to do more advocacy in the future?
I think I would like to do more advocacy in the future, but I'm a very disorganized person who's terrible at communication and I also can't drive, so I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to commit strongly to anything big. But if the opportunity ever came up I would love to do something local, or one-time things like the panel at World Pride.
What is it like being an alloaro in the aromantic community?
Being an allosexual aromantic within the aro community is, honestly, pretty difficult. For as much as the aro community pushes the idea that aromanticism is not equivalent to asexuality (which is a good thing to do, don't get me wrong!), the community still very much centers on an aroace narrative. There's very few resources for aros that aren't tied to ace resources, and the aro community also has a big problem with assuming aroace experiences are universal. I've seen ace content tagged as "aromantic" even when it doesn't mention anything about aromanticism. I've seen sexual attraction talked about in extremely negative ways by other aros, right in front of me, phrased in such a way as if they expected everyone would agree with them. I've seen a meme that verbatim said "Attraction is cancelled! God has spoken," tagged simply as "aromantic", reblogged with lots of hearty laughs by other aros- I'm sure anyone who knows anything about, say, homophobia can understand how deeply disturbing that was for me to see, as a bisexual. How can I feel welcome in my own community when this kind of thing is tolerated, even celebrated?
I will say that the community is slowly improving in its treatment of allo aros, but this change hasn't come without us fighting tooth and nail for it for a long time. Even now, most of the support we get comes in the form of "you're valid!" style posts, and many allo aros still do not feel comfortable talking about our experiences with sexuality for fear of backlash. This is especially hurtful because we have little other space to talk about it, since the concept of sexual attraction not being inherently connected to romantic attraction is at best misunderstood and at worst demonized by alloromantic society.
What does the community make you feel on a good day?
On a good day, the community makes me laugh. It's good to just be able to relax in the company of other people like me. I love seeing all the wonderful art and writing aros produce, too!
How has your view of the world changed over the years since learning about aromanticism?
I think being openly aro has definitely opened my eyes to just how much romance can be performative. Which isn't to say that romance isn't real, or that alloromantics' romantic feelings aren't real, but I think- Just like how I was so into shipping until I suddenly realized that I didn't actually have to be- People tend to believe that there's a certain way people are supposed to be in regards to romance. They try to force themselves to conform to social expectations, and get freaked out if they don't, even if such an experience is more common than they think. I think, even for alloromantics, if they were to seriously reflect on what parts of romance are genuinely their own desires vs. what they feel pressured to do, they'd be really surprised.
In regards to your identity, what has been a big challenge of yours?
For me, one unexpected challenge has been getting people to understand what I mean when I say I'm aromantic. You'd think the concept of "not feeling romantic attraction" would be fairly straightforward, but sometimes no matter how many times I break it down for people, they're just like "Oh, so you're asexual? You mean asexual? You're ace? Oh you mean you haven't had a boyfriend yet? Oh you don't want to date right now? Haha that's ok, wait until the time is right, you've got plenty of time! It's good to focus on yourself for a while! Hey you're asexual right? You have really pretty eyes haha do you want to go out sometime" and I'm like. No Patrick, the lid. The lid. Patrick the lid.
What does general LGBT politics do for you?
Hmm... I guess in regards to my aromanticism specifically, LGBT politics don't do much for me. I guess they at least present the idea that it's ok to not be straight, but slogans like "love is love" and "love wins" aren't exactly super aro-friendly. But they really help my other queer friends, and I'm always grateful to live in a place where homosexuality isn't criminalized.
What is something aros have in common with others in the LGBTQI+ community?
Aros have an experience of not fitting in with the norm. Our society really tries to weave heterosexual romance into everything, and if you don't participate in that, it can be really jarring and isolating. Hell, it can even have an affect on gender, even for cis folks- I know I've suffered from a lack of representation as a woman, because so many stories centered on women and girls heavily feature romance, which isn't really accessible to me. So we definitely share that experience of not fitting into the mold.
How would you like aromantic advocacy to grow?
I would like to see more people become aware of the term "aromantic", and I of course especially would like to see it advertised as its own thing, rather than a constant tie-in with asexuality. I would also like more focus on intersectionality- Reaching out to aro folks with other queer identities, dismissing the notion that aromanticism is a "white people thing", and providing support for aros from cultures with heavier romantic pressures.
Would you get rid of romance altogether if you could?
Absolutely not. And honestly, I think as a community we need to be really, really careful about how we talk about romance. Our words affect others, and we need to be aware of that. It's one thing to be fed up and frustrated with amatonormativity, but it's another thing entirely to publicly post about how haha, romance should be illegal! or whatever. Remember that there are still people who are oppressed for their romance, and we need to support them, not echo bad rhetoric.
What’s your favourite thing about being aromantic?
My friends! I have quite a few aro friends, and we're really close. I love talking to them. My friends make me so happy, and I'm always glad to have them. They're the best!
What’s your least favourite thing about being aromantic?
The inescapability of romance. God forbid I want to watch a movie or something and not have romance shoved down my throat. It's also tough writing fanfiction as a romance-repulsed aro, because gen fics tend to not get nearly as much attention as ship fics...
What is your ideal life?
I live in a nice apartment/house/group of houses or apartments with my friends where I have my own space, but still live together with my friends. I have three cats, all rescues. I have enough money to travel once or twice a year. My living space is tastefully decorated with anime merchandise. I can afford to buy new video games when they come out, and I own five swords and none of them are feders because feders are for babies.
If you could change anything about the way society raises us to interact with romance, what would it be?
I wish society would teach kids that while romance can be very, very important, it's also optional. Maybe you'll grow up and feel like you need romance, maybe you won't. Either way is ok and nothing is guaranteed.
Are you proudly aromantic?
I guess so. I dunno, it can be hard to feel proud in a society that's so anti-aro, but I do my best. I know there's nothing wrong with me, and I want to show that to other aros, too.
If you could go back in time and give yourself some advice, what would you say?
Don't fake feelings just to gain others' approval. You don't have to go out with someone just because you're a teen and that's what teens do. Don't worry about disappointing anyone, don't sacrifice yourself for others, just be honest about your feelings.