The Aros Left Behind: the Loveless
Written by the AUREA team
Word count: 2000 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 8 minutes
For those who know about aromanticism there are certain expectations of us. One of those expectations is that while we might not feel romantic love, we still can feel love. This is an obvious attempt at softening the so-called blow of differing from the norm, one we don’t need. “I don’t feel romantic love” is a complete sentence and so is “I don’t feel love”.
We’ve interviewed three people who relate to the concept of not feeling love. They use varying terminology to describe themselves (and not necessarily loveless), have different definitions of love and attraction, and want different things out of life. They are all aromantic and proud.
Introducing
Tell us a bit about your identity!
Santelmo (zae/zaer)
I'm an aro and queer trans guy! Being a loveless aro to me, is not feeling any sort of romantic attraction. I don't label anything I feel towards others (platonic or sensual) as me loving them or anything because it makes me uncomfortable. (Zaer Instagram account)
Hal (she/they)
I generally use aro-ace as my preferred label. Truth be told, I may fit “better” in a micro label under the aro-ace umbrella, but I don’t really want to tear myself apart examining the minutiae just to find the “perfect” label when aro-ace fits well enough. I don’t feel attraction (sexual, romantic, or even really platonic) and people in the aro-ace community share a lot of common experiences with me, so I like the label and am in no rush to change it.
I don’t identify as loveless. To be honest, I hadn’t really heard of many people identifying that way before following the AUREA blog on Tumblr. While it may be an accurate descriptor of how I feel towards others, that doesn’t mean my life lacks loves. I know that my parents and brothers and best friend all love me, and I care for them all in return. Although it has taken me a while to admit to myself that what I feel in return may not be love, my life isn’t purely “loveless.”
Hyacinth (ze/hir, it/its, hey/hem)
I use a number of aspec labels: aromantic, apothiromantic, alloaro, arovague, loveless aro, aplatonic. Regarding the last two, loveless aro to me includes both a lack of feeling love in any form and the rejection of love; aplatonic to me is a lack of platonic attraction, and difficulty maintaining platonic relationships due to my neurodivergency. (Hir Twitter @NeonAromantic)
Attraction
Let’s talk about what you feel, or what you don’t feel.
Santelmo (zae/zaer)
I feel mainly platonic and sensual attraction! I don't feel romantic attraction at all. One main way that attraction impacts my own life is the fact that one of my main boundaries is that I am uncomfortable towarda anyone that's expresses romantic attraction or something I would (accidentally) read as romantic. Another way is how important platonic attraction is to me over romantic attraction (for obvious reasons.)
Hal (she/they)
I have at no point in my life felt romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. I never had a grade-school crush, never dated or had a first kiss, never pursued a relationship, and never felt like I was missing out because I didn’t. While it used to bug me when I was younger that I may never find someone, I’m pretty comfortable now in my lack of attraction.
Hyacinth (ze/hir, it/its, hey/hem)
I know that I definitely feel sexual and sensual attraction, that I probably feel aesthetic attraction, and as of now I tentatively use the demialterous label to show I've occasionally had instances where those I have a close connection to I also have felt something hard to explain. I don't feel romantic or platonic attraction. Both my own identity and others have impacted my life, my own in a more personal way and others in a more educational way.
Expectations
What is expected of you?
Santelmo (zae/zaer)
To get married romantically and to have children. Even if I'm out to one of my relatives, I do feel she still does expect me to have children just like the rest of my family expects me to. It doesn't matter that I'm out as a trans guy to her, I'm not out to my aunt as aromantic so I don't think she'd understand how I don't see myself getting married in the way most people want me to.
Hal (she/they)
I will occasionally get comments asking when I’m getting a boyfriend from well-intentioned family members, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m confident in myself enough that these don’t bug me like they used to. I used to feel societal pressure to find someone and get married, and my few comments as a kid that I wanted to be “single forever” were often gently “reassured” that I’d change my mind as I got older. But at a certain point in my early 20s, I realized that I would rather be comfortable alone as me than force a relationship I didn’t want simply because it was expected of me.
Hyacinth (ze/hir, it/its, hey/hem)
Society expects me to desire and positively experience romantic and platonic attraction, and to strive for those kinds of relationships in a neurotypical manner. Frankly, I'm opposed to this especially the romantic expectations as I'm romance-repulsed. With friendships, it's difficult to maneuver and figure out how I'm viewed by others. I'm also working on accepting that if keeping a friendship is exhausting me/harming me more than helping, that it's okay to take a metaphorical step back or to end that relationship.
Listen carefully
What would you like the aro community to know?
Santelmo (zae/zaer)
Every loveless aro labels themself as loveless for different reasons, no one with it has the same reasons for doing so. That and saying things like "love isn't inherently romantic" and ignoring the fact that society made it out so that love is inherently romantic.
Hal (she/they)
I feel like I still have a lot to learn about not feeling love. I can still care for the people in my life; feel happy when they’re around and miss them when they’re gone. Much of my life, I felt like I was broken or feeling love “wrong.” And while I found some solace in aro literature, many of the narratives I would read talked about still leading fulfilling lives by finding love in other areas, like friendships. Much like there are people who don’t feel romantic attraction but feel other sorts of love, there are people who are “loveless” - and these people should be included and welcomed with open arms just as much under the aro umbrella.
Hyacinth (ze/hir, it/its, hey/hem)
Not feeling/experiencing emotions that many others do is not bad, wrong, or unhealthy. Just as it's natural and okay to feel various emotions/desires, the same principle applies to the opposite. The absence of attraction(s) is not a flaw, and difficulty navigating relationships is nothing to be ashamed of.
WHat we can learn
We asked the interviewees what they would like to discuss and each of them shared life experiences and valuable insight.
Santelmo on platonic and queerplatonic relationships:
My main experience with queerplatonic relationships is one I had just ended two or three months back by now. I think it ended in late March? We ended it on good terms though, even if we aren't talking currently. One thing I'd realized after "breaking up" with my former partner was that any kind of relationship can be toxic in its own way.
Neither of us did anything bad to each other, it's just that we got so attached to each other so quick that we became codependent. We both used to be so scared of losing each other, and when they fell in love with someone, it... hurt me a lot. I didn't tell them exactly how I was hurt until a few months ago after they asked me for dating advice for some reason. After that we split permanently, and then in late March we stopped being as close.
In terms of platonic relationships, my main boundary is that "unless I know you, you aren't my friend" kinda thing. I don't like talking to people in general so I would say I don't necessarily have a lot of friends? Lots of acquaintances and some friends is how I'd describe a lot of relationships I have with people.
Since splitting with my former partner I've approached a lot of relationships in my life with a "fuck around and find out" attitude towards what would happen in the future (in a positive way I mean). I just couldn't care anymore if I end up splitting with someone again in anyway, it's just a part of life and it's okay.
Hal on friendships and looking after them:
I have always had kinda bad luck at maintaining friendships. When I don’t feel that drive or spark to pursue friendships, they’re difficult to get off the ground - and once they get started, it’s hard for me to maintain when I feel the same level of affection for a casual friend of a few months as a classmate or coworker who seems nice but who I don’t hang out with outside of school or work. I sometimes have even had to treat maintaining friendships like something on my to do list, putting “write postcard to friend” in with all my other daily chores.
I have been friends with my best friend for 20 years this summer, though. We’ve known each other most of our lives, and have been through a lot together. A big part of how our friendship has lasted this long is communication - we know each other’s struggles and accept each other as we are. We are each other’s person because we choose it, not because of some fabled magical spark that makes a relationship just click. She’s really helped me realize what friendship can be even for someone who doesn’t feel love for their friends. I feel happy when I get to hang out with her, and I enjoy talking to her about our common interests - I can listen to her talk about her favorite show for hours, and she always asks to help with whatever writing projects I have going - getting a text from her makes me smile, and I enjoy driving her around because I know she hates driving. And that’s enough for me.
While my experiences with friendship may not look like everyone else’s, I can still enjoy the company of someone and miss them when they’re gone, and to me, that’s enough even if it isn’t "love.” Every time we say our goodbyes, she always tells me she loves me, and I always say it back - because even though I wouldn’t call what I feel “love,” my relationship with her is probably the closest I come to feeling that.
Hyacinth on love as an inherent good and a necessity:
Forcing oneself to try to experience something from a traumatized standpoint is often harmful and dangerous, and this includes love. While for a number of people, recovery from and/or working through trauma includes the prospect of feeling love for others in a positive way, this is not and should not be assumed to be a universal goal. Emotions and feelings are incredibly varied as well as how they affect the individual.
Personally, love is something that carries a heavy negative connotation, so much so that it hinders my path to understanding my own trauma. I shouldn't have to be required to/have inherent love towards others, especially those that have hurt me. That includes anyone in my life: family, friends, strangers, etc. I know from experience that love is not a purely good force, and I firmly believe that the action of caring for myself and others doesn't equate to feeling love.
Who we are
Being aromantic means having to analyze what we want and feel sometimes to an excruciating degree, especially when amatonormativity is involved. This can make figuring out who you are and being content with yourself difficult. We hope you took something away from these interviews. The aromantic community is working to recognise all the different ways to be aromantic and whether you feel love or not, you aren’t alone.
If you’d like to read more, check out our companion piece The Aros Left Behind: the Arospec and a collection called Loveless and Arospec Thoughts.